Monkey with a Laptop

:: Monkey with a Laptop ::

I am a genetically-augmented, highly intelligent Yellow Baboon. In 2003 I escaped from a secret military facility in New Mexico. I lifted this laptop on the way out.
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:: 12/28/2004 ::

Why is the fucking internet attacking me?!?!

Before I start talking about this I want to forewarn any MAC using sunuvabitch who might feel like popping up and spouting off a bunch of unsolicited MAC ad-talk. Yes. I get it. MAC rules. Fuck you. I stole what I could steal. Now sit back down in your cubicle and fidget with your nuts while mumbling about Steven Jobs. You and the fuckin' Trekkies can suck my jungle loin.

Anyway, I have been slammed by this CoolWebSearch adware. I have downloaded every free spybot and adware remover, scrubber, cleanser, polisher and jacker I could find and nothing gets rid of it. I don't know who the shit guzzling sape was that designed this but I hope that somebody ties you down on a table sideways and allows a trickle of acid drip and burn a hole through one ass cheek and then through the other. Over several weeks you will be kept alive and forcefed antibiotics to keep the infection away but your keeper will keep reopening the wound with a mechanical pencil. Every Wednesday Southern Comfort will be poured through the tunnel created through your assfat. Then they will release you naked into a Comp USA and unwitting, casual computer users who have been frustrated and given high blood pressure by your creation can take turns whipping your supple, naked flesh with modem cords.

Now that I have vented, let me appeal to your higher brain functions. You are a terrorist. You got a pretty penny to design and constantly upgrade your adware. You're not even on the same level as some virus creating anarchist. In their own twisted way they are fighting the system. Not you. You create invasive, unwanted shit to push cell phones and trips to Barbados. You are scum. You're the lawyer who crashes a funeral. You're sape filth and I hope your friends find out what you do and abandon you.

Happy fucking New Year.


:: Eric Peter Schwartz 3:58 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 12/02/2004 ::
It has crept in like a stealthy assassin. It slipped into the gaps between things. Now it is in complete control of everything but the masses seem oblivious. While critics and a huge section of the general population and screaming their heads off about the stupidity of reality shows and the GLUT there of... something has quietly taken control of the airwaves... LIST SHOWS.

It was as if I fell asleep for 12 hours and woke up to find 90% of my television involve Michael Ian Black riffing on something. Just enough riffing to show he doesn't know DICK about it. And here's the worst part... I love it. As America quickly grows tired of watching attention starved sapes swill down liquified rat or get fired or have their singing ridiculed... some of us are falling in love with watching low and mid level celebrities ruminate on everything in entertainment.

It all seems to have come from the incredibly successful I LOVE THE 80's VH-1 franchise which spawed I lOVE the 70's , I love the 90's , I love the Plague Years, I really loved 1989 and (the one I'm waiting for) I loved The Reconstruction Period. VH-1 and nearly everybody else on the planet suddenly realized that you can shoot an entire series over the weekend and if you're good TWO series. How hard is it to get former MTV VJ Kennedy to sit down, throw a bunch of names, titles and concepts at her, record her responses and then keep only the good 15 comments (if she makes that many). Brilliant. Mr. or Ms "I Love" should win the Nobel Prize for Discovering the obvious.

So now all the networks or stations or what-ever-the-fuck you call them are doing it. Bravo, CMT, TNT, E, VH-1, TV Land. To top it off there is a group of about 12 celebrities who are in ALL OF THEM. On any given Sunday I can flip channels and see Hal Fuckin' Sparks on every other channel. Shit even the Iraq invasion last year was only on a dozen channels.

And here is where the genius of these shows really shines. I mean really. I'm not even giving you the reach around on this... you get NO INFORMATION. Really. You learn nothing. Hmmmmm looks like Biography. Shot like a documentary. WOAH!! I have just spent an hour listening to sarcasm, nostalgia and a bunch of commercials. Holy shit! Honest to God, no fucking around, more more more... brain candy. There's no pathos, ethos, emotion, motivation, shit even the lighting is iffy. I could edit one of these things together... it's really and truly NOTHING. Sound and fury signifying DICK! It is time filler. It's beautiful.

So, I have fallen in love with this new... thing. This quiet, unobtrusive monster that is now squatting over television's face making it suck its balls. I want more. More than that... I want to be on it. I want to have my soundbites added to the mix. Cripes! If only I could talk. If only I could watch my long, mate entralling snout appear on screen just after Mo Rocca and just before Rob Zombie. Then my evolution would be complete. Then I could die a happy boon.

:: Eric Peter Schwartz 3:49 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 11/17/2004 ::
I felt a great disturbance in The Force. It was like millions of free thinkers cried out and then suddenly silence. The only sound heard across the world at that moment was the lone rumble of a bulldozer starting up in Alaska. Now we have to sit and watch as members of the Bush cabinet fall away and are replaced like Law and Order characters. And if I have to hear anyone else say CONDI, I'm going to scoop out an alligator, drag it to their house and beat them to death with it.

Here's what I really don't understand about the voting public. From the placement of the RED states, it seems that Bush was voted in by people who get drunk in bars and say "you think you're better than me?" That means the only reason they voted for Bush and not Kerry is the Clampet factor. Yes both candidates are rich, powerful and think of themselves as better than they people they wish to rule. (They have to to run for office.) So it must be the YEEEHAW Clampet thing. Let's vote for the blue blood, power hungry rich man who talks like me! Not the blue blood, power hungry rich man that talks like them folks in Boston. GIT 'ER DONE!

And the minorities are apparently able to look past conservative bigotry (I won't say racist. That's overused. Hitler was a racist. Archie Bunker was a bigot) and vote them into power because of the gay thing. Gays... finally something people of all colors can hate. See, it's our commonalities that bind us together. Discussion of Old Fashioned Values makes me sick. Which old fashioned value do you prefer? The one where the wife is the property of the man and can be beaten, raped and even killed as long as just cause is found? Or the old fashioned value that says that the only voice that matters is that of a white gentleman of property. Idiots. Using "Old Fashioned or Family Values" as a euphemism for "we don't want faggots to have any rights because they are disgusting" is not only despicable and bigoted... it shows that you know it's wrong to feel that way. Why hide behind a euphemism. "Protect the sanctity of marriage" - my ass.

Let's not talk about the recent discovery of the alleged "gay gene". That would shoot intelligent design and God's plan and filthy in the eyes of the Lord all to hell.

Was one of John Kerry's campaign promises to force all marriages to become open, raging orgies? That all Americans should stop seeing each other as husbands, wives, sons and daughters and instead seeing them as mobile genital buffets? Fuck em if you got em. Give me a break.

So John Kerry will limp back to Washington and try to pick up the pieces of his life and career. Colin Powell will write another book. Michael Moore will turn his attention to something else (if he doesn't, he's just going to look petty) and I will go do the only thing that really relieves my stress... shit in my hand and throw it across the swamp.

:: Eric Peter Schwartz 11:08 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 10/07/2004 ::
I have to admit... in the VP debate the other night I thought Cheney said which lead me to all sorts of trouble. It was factcheck. com actually and even that was wrong. What irony. Dick should have checked his facts on factcheck. And speaking of "fat chick" websites. Why is this treated like another sape fetish? Like it's something twisted to enjoy femsapes of larger build. Like it's a deviance. This isn't like having a thing for feet or being shat upon... it's large woman. Just an observation.

One of the real powers of the internet is that it empowers nearly everybody and allows them to have their voice heard. Because everybody has access to this power of course means... that every shit TV show that gets whacked by TV execs will have a loud, crazed and nearly violent fan movement to save it.

Don't get me wrong, I know that TV execs are short sighted much of the time and quality entertainment is dumped for cheaper crappier television. But let's not forget, this is television. It's not like it's... the movies. (I'm kidding). Look, every TV show has somebody who likes it. But if it's not making money, or getting in viewers... your mail campaign won't mean a dick in the ear to execsapes. Soem people even prepare "Save Our Show" campaigns when the show is doing fine, just in case. And sometimes before the series debuts.

Look, if you have such fantastic organizational skills that you can launch a successful fan campaign (and some do succeed...I know of several very successful fan campaigns)... fuck FARSCAPE... turn your attention to politics or human rights or FUCK anything! If you can rally the troops around some buttfuck TV show, you could change the world.

I understand that Amerisapes love their entertainment. Not a bad thing. Quality art...and even not so quality titty fart entertainment is what has separated you from the lower of us beasts. And more power to you. Back when I was a regular monkey the worst thing to do was tyring to find some way to enjoyably kill time... thus the shit flinging. But let's get our priorities straight okay: The US version of Coupling was shit. Nearly everybody thought it was shit. The actors have moved on. So has the rest of the world. So get your head out of your ass and find a different show to obsess over. Put that energy into something useful.

:: Eric Peter Schwartz 1:21 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 10/05/2004 ::
So...Ivan... fucker nearly killed me.

I'm here in the gulf coast area of Louisiana. Out in the swamp or the bayou or the bog...whatever the fuck you want to call it. I built myself a little shack and I am stealing power from some local lines. I have a beautiful little spot far away from prying eyes, but I can head over to Baton Rouge easy enough if I need something. The weather this last month nearly killed me. I got lucky. Lucky I was a monkey.

As the water levels rose, so did my shack. So I have returned to the trees and am living quite nicely in a tree house of my construction. That's it. That's all you need to know. I am east of Texas and west of Baton Rouge.

So I watched two boon movies back to back. How you may ask. Netflix bitch! It rocks. Anyway, the movies. Both feature boons prominently The Rundown starring the Rock and Lion King 1 1/2 (thich I've bitched about before). LK wasn't bad. Rafiki was again the crazy, weed smoking sage but we was nicely featured. I take back my preemptive disgust.

See, I can admit a mistake.

The Rundown on the other hand... There are two scenes with boons. Both feature slobbering, sex crazed boons running wild attacking sapes in the jungle. But because some boonwhore accepted the role of "monkey that craze-humps the Rock" people will no longer fear us because of large teeth or poor attitude. Healthy monkeyfear will be replaced by homophobia. It's bad enough that you'e being attacked by a feral baboon...but a humping, rutting gay monkey is terrifying. I'm ashamed of that baboon. Have some self respect. You're not a chimp for godsake.

They play it off as being about establishing dominance. It was, in fact, the most grotesque display of monksploitation I've seen. At least Kong got to feel up Jessica Lange romantically. Still a tender scene. Twas boobies killed the beast.

And I will admit, I have squeezed out a little boon gravy to Jessica Lange. She's got that come hither, do me silverback style look, even though she's screaming in horror. Wouldn't you, knowing that Kong wants to plug you with a member the size of a Chevy Caprice.

I'm not going to talk about the election. I am not going to talk about the election. I'm not going to talk about the election. Convinced. Please. Vote. That is all.

I will say this... I watched some of the debate. W came off looking like a ticked off 12 year old girl, clicking her tongue and saying "uhh... whatever...he totally voted to use force too!" the man just doesn't like to be questioned or called out in public. This is why he rarely, if ever hold press conferences. Sorry, Dub, you are the President and are accountable for your actions and your administrations actions in a public forum.

Kerry seems to have slightly more spark than Gore... he sucks less than dub. I wish I could vote. Anybody who wasn't planning to vote want to vote for me? I know. I know. You're still grossed out by the term BoonGravy. Well... fuck ya!

Anyway. More soon. I have missed our little chats. As I'm sure you have.


:: Eric Peter Schwartz 1:58 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 5/17/2004 ::
Whaddup Homeez!

Okay...that's was my one and only attempt at that. Let's get one thing clear...I'm a baboon. Okay. I'm a fucking monkey. It still doesn't excuse me from learning to write correctly. In fact it makes me try harder. I am afraid we are entering a world where writing is dead. Now don't start with the "Language is changes" bullshit. I know that. I understand that. That doesn't mean we have to shoot it, stab it, kick it in the soft danglies and where it like a dead skin screaming "IT PUTS THE LOTION IN THE BASKET!!!".

What is this fucking monkey babbling about? Well I'll tell you. I can't watch TV. The only way I know what the hell is going on is through spoiler sites. And from what I can tell...Frasier went to Paris with Rachel and Chandler, Spike and Niles are all taking on the evil Law Firm of Wolfram & Hart. right? Nevermind...the point is...I rely on the internet for all of my information. Yes I know that's unfortunate...but it is, however, fact. I also rely on the internet for my entertainment. I have recently been hanging out at Fiction Press.

FP is a site that allows writers to post their fiction and poetry to the site. And there is a lot of good stuff there. However... I have to wade through canvas sacks of CRAP to find the really great nuggets. And I'm not talking about personal likes and dislikes. I would be a pretty petty boon to complain about there not being enough of what I LIKE on the web (I'll save my "You're over 30 stop bitching like a 13 year old in your blog" rant for later.). I'm talking about bad writing. I mean BAD WRITING. I'm all for being artistic...this shit is just lazy.

This is an ACTUAL story I pulled off fiction press, from the "Romance" listings. It is used without the author's permission:

" I sighed and picked up my bag. It was now lunch time yippee! I went to the regular spot under the tree where my friends and me always sat. Unfortunately I was the first one there so I took out a book and started to read it. I suddenly felt a pair of hands cover my eyes, "guess who" a voice said. I whacked the hand away from my face turned and said ' really Brandon this is getting old you do this every friggin day! ' But babe I know you love it' UGGH so cocky. ' So how was your day' 'That sounds so Brady-bunch married couple cant you be normal?' 'Oh Kay. wuz up?' ' That's much better.' ' My day was the same as always nuttin new, what about you?' ' well I made the team for Jamaica this year. not that I wasn't expecting it.' I always wondered why I was friends with Brandon better yet why he was friends with me. He was popular uh I was not. He won trophies travelled to swim meets all over the world, was on the t.v and in the newspaper. He was just cool. 'Um Sam you're having one of your Patrick Star moments again' 'Huh, what right.' ' You didn't hear a thing, anyway I gotta bounce see ya later.' And he smiled that infuriating smile of his that made all the girls swoon. I used to be one of those girls when I first met him.. Then I got to know him. Let's just say I'm glad I didn't date him or I'd have gotten a rude wake up call."

The author then gives a passioned plea to R&R (read and review), while talking about how it probably sucks. Now, granted, she's 15. I don't hold that against her (though she should know something about writing structure by sophomore year). Here's where I take issue. The story got reviewed. Only one person took the time to actually point out that each time a character talks, a new paragraph starts. That's a rarity. Usually the reviews are nice and casual. They say nice things or nothing at all, usually with as much bad grammar as the story. (And I won't even talk about the poetry.) Usually it's a shout out from an online fan: "Plllleeeeeezzzzeeee (I love the silent "e") update". If I could leave the children just one message it would be: CAPITALIZE!

Now believe me...I misspell things. I make mistakes. My concern is this; it used to be hard to get published. You used to have to work at getting things read by the masses. You would submit your work and it would get rejected. This would make you work harder, take classes, improve yourself and your writing. I'm not sure that blogging and internet publishing and sites like Fiction Press aren't lowering our standards. Lowering the quality we should be expecting in what we read. And I'm not talking about "classic" lit like Austen or Twain or any of that shit. I'm talking about everything. Even Penthouse Forum is proof read.

Boon out - till next time.

:: Eric Peter Schwartz 11:25 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 4/12/2004 ::
I am currently outside of Roe, AR of all places. The wheelbarrow, while awkward to travel with, and giving me the appearance of a circus attraction, is surprisingly practical. I am able to prop it upside down at a 45 degree angle against something and provide a fair amount of shelter from the elements, and it currently can carry everything I need. If I could get my hands on a little pup tent or something it would be even better. One of those free standing things. I don't have the upper body strength to drive stakes in, though I'm getting stronger pushing around this fucking wheelbarrow.

I haven't really noticed anybody following me. I seem to have escaped from Bald Knob clean. That's good. It's been months since I've heard from The Facility...maybe I am, indeed, a free boon.

I have been a little too busy trying to survive to jack into the world via the web. So little surf time has been done. All I know is the question that has dogged me since the final augmentation operation ended a couple of years ago..."how will it all end for Ross and Rachel". My money is on them being together...simply because I think you sapes have a soft spot for a love story. It's an admirable quality.

And maybe I'm getting soft, but that's just what America needs. We know we can't sweep in and occupy a country half-way around the world. But we need to know that love conquers all. That love can survive every contrived trap that a script writer can throw at them. America needs to know what they are fighting for...pretty sapes in love. When that dust covered soldier lives another day in Iraq, knowing that he or she is fighting a ridiculous war in the name of greed, at least they can look at their copy of TV Guide and know...there is a reason for this. Ross Gellar and Rachel Green would never have survived in Iraq. We are doing this for the beautiful people.

Yes, I am being extreme. I just want Amerisapes to look away from their plasma screens for a second to see that things are not looking too good. It's not the end or anything but, get up! You're late for work!'s an extreme...but there's a section about how the government produces porn for the masses to keep them happy. Please think about it.

Gotta fly. Talk to you all soon.
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 10:49 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 4/05/2004 ::
It has been almost a year since I escaped from The Facility. Almost a year since I couldn't stop and had to keep running. It feels like such a long time ago. And now, I am on the run again. Just as the days were getting warmer and longer...I was spotted in Clem's backyard, taking a dump. I have been very careful but now...the jig is up, as it were. Clem has been clued in to the fact that a baboon has been living in his basement for the past 6 months or so...and Bald Knob authorities are after me. I'm fairly certain that soon county and state police will be tracking me down. Knowing you sapes - hunters, animal activists, and zoologists will also join the fray.

That is, if Bald Know authorities are believed.

The biggest problem is that, while it has warmed up, the nights are freezing. I was able to lift some clothes and blankets and I am travelling, pushing a small wheel barrow that I lifted from Clem. (How funny - a year out and I already can't travel without luggage.)

So, needless to say I am moving none to fast and under cover of darkness. The worst part of all this is that farmland hasn't started growing yet. I have to try to make it across big open fields without being seen.

I am currently outside Maberry, AR and making my way south. I will have more to write later.
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 9:30 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 1/29/2004 ::
If there is anybody out there who is planning to see The Lion King 1 1/2 - keep me posted. Let me know if Rafiki gets any screen time. He is one of the few positive Baboon film portrayals. And when I say "positive" I mean "FUCK YOU DISNEY!" Here The Dis gets a chance to take a Baboon and really make them shine, make him a wise, sage, Yoda of a character and INSTEAD they make him a prancing, singing maniac with some streak of Shamanly spirituality. He just acts high. Watch the movie and tell me that Riffy isn't eating some funny fungus from behind the barn.

So let me know if anything important goes on in the new Disney "I'm Out of Ideas...Please Help-a-thon".

So 2004 is the year of The Monkey. How better to celebrate that by slapping a cartoon monkey on the ass of some underpants.
Can you blame me for getting excited over this headline: Lunar New Year Makes Monkey Undies Hot. Cripes! The words Monkey, Undies and Hot all in the same sentence!! I thought it was my lucky day. I thought finally I could get some relief. I still have no good porn to deal with. Trying to paddle the boonstick to what you sapes call porn is horrible. First of all, I'm sure there are a few of you who might feel the nether-squirmies by looking at pictures of other species...but it's not easy. So all of my autoerotic behavior is laced with the desire to upchuck...

I do have a newly aquired online friend, Fadedstar, who seems to have a sister who is a zoopimp. I have a feeling she's lying. Plus she wants to hook me up with some hoboon named Crunchy. I really don't want to slip the boonstick into anything "Crunchy". After that I could move on to Leathery and Dusty. And no pictures! I need to see pictures before I make the trek to meet Crunchy is some dingy Zoocage, display my erection, pound my chest and pumpa da monk.

Of course beggars can't be choosers. Fadedstar chould probably send me a room temperature jar of Smuckers apple jelly and I'd get aroused...HEY! 12 seconds in the microwave.

So, Ben and JLo...goodbye. I'm slightly sad. They have been like my touchstone since I left The Facility. No matter where I was or what I was doing, I could always count on them to be in the news. Now what will I do?

Clem is doing well. No one has caught on to me yet.

Talk to you soon.
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 3:02 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 1/05/2004 ::
I am one fatass Baboon!!

My stay with Clem is going swimmingly, to say the least. I celebrated my first Christmas of freedom scarfing down left overs from his Christmas dinnerS...ham, potatoes, 7 layer salad, some holliday all the stuff his friends and neighbors brought over. I can't believe the generosity of some sapes. Clem weighs in at about 105 pounds. He won't eat all this. In fact I have been helping myself to more than he's giving me, and there's still tons.

Clem got me a couple of chew toys for Christmas. I have made sure to squeek them every once in a while, just to keep him happy.

I have also been spending a lot of time surfing, and writing, believe it or not. I have been writing some Tarzan fan fiction. I hate that loin cloth wearing some of a bitch, and all of my fan fiction ends with some sort of grisly end for the vine-dangling dick. Needless to say, all of my Fan Fic submissions have been blacked or flamed. People are so fucking touchy about their icons.

Tarzan is one of the loudest and most ridiculous symbols of sapekinds domination of Animalkind. From the gorillas I have met, that infant would have been smacked against the side of a tree like a bag of ice that needs to be broken up. I've heard sape babies. One of the loudest things on the planet. No gorilla would do that. Okay maybe that Binti Jua gorilla in Chicago in 96, but not in the wild. There is a reason that they have never had an ACTUAL gorilla play Tarzan's mom. I have no idea why sapes keep remaking this piece of crap. Cartoons, TV shows, movies. I know why, I guess. Because, now, sapes want to use it as a "protect the rainforests and its creatures" message, which is noble. They apparently don't see the inherent message of the story; White Men may be raised by animals - but he will rise to control them...(by yowling apparently.) It's like Darwin and right wing Christians got together and drew up a plan. PLUS he's got a pet chimp, who is named Cheetah and usually whores himself out for comic relief. The animal equivalent of Step n Fetchit. Is there any reason for me to go on?

So, you sapes finally got something to land on Mars other than your shattered, unrealized dreams. Well done. Visit the official Mars Rover website for more info. I was starting to think you guys were spending to many night smacking it to Striperella to land it. Of course, those strong wrists might have helped control your descent. HAHAHAHA Sorry...that was a cheap joke, but it made my new year.

So I begin my second year of a house guest. I have to admit that I am itching to get back on the road. I miss the sights. For now I have only paneling and black leather couches...and lots of free food. I'm going to have to start an exercise regiment. I have, in case you were worried, mastered the toilet. Speaking of which, I haven't flung crap in weeks. Since I have to live here, quietly, I can't go chucking my chunks everywhere. Sigh. Retraint. I miss the days in South Dakota, throwing shit from atop Lincoln.

Talk to you soon.

:: Eric Peter Schwartz 1:34 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 11/24/2003 ::
I will not be leaving Bald Knob. At least not this winter. But I have found my salvation. I have met a blind guy who thinks I'm a dog. Not a seeing eye dog, just a stray. His name is Clem. But here is how this deal is sweet. Clem lives alone. His kids come to visit once or twice a week, but that's it. The kids are the type who impose their will on their, what they believe to be, now crippled parent. Clem, from what I gather, lost his sight about 10 years ago. He gets around fine. He lives within walking distance of a small grocery store, the neighbors come over and check in on him every once in a while. But his kids don't want him having a pet. So, as part of his little rebellion, he has taken in, what he believes to be a stray dog. That's me. But because he has to hide it, I live in the basement, which is finished and gives me access to power, the phone...everything. The basement door also has a pet hatch, which allows me to come and go as I please.

So I am waiting out the winter in Clem's basement, in Bald Knob, Arkansas.

To be honest, I have to let him pet me and play the dog part a bit. It feels like selling out, but we do what we have to. I also don't have to eat dog food. Because Clem doesn't want any tell tale dog food cans around...I get to eat table scraps. Demeaning, but Clem always seems to cook too much. It's nice.

So I am now able to be warm and comfortable and reflect on my journey thus far. Oh...and surf the web. I am so going to surf the web. I am so out of touch with the news.

Talk to you soon -

Runko - Monkey with a Sugar Daddy
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 9:30 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 11/05/2003 ::
Bald Knob is getting to me. I'm...starting to get the genitickles for a sape. Can you think of anything sicker? Not me. But I can't help it. It goes against everything I believe...hold dear... I found her online. Not only does she blog..but she writes some really steamy prose. She's a saucey minx. A tease. And a hell of a writer.

So yesterday was Erection Day 2003.

I know this will pass. I know that eventually I will stop wanting her to stroke my fur. I will stop wanting to display my boonstick for her. But it begs the question...where will I find love? While sex with Carmel was great, back at the facility, but I can't really love her. She and I, other than being boons, we have nothing in common. And Amy? How the hell would that work. Aprt from being sick...I could never tell her what she means. And all that shit flinging... I'm sure that's a turn on for perpetually anit-shit-metic sapes.

So, sadly, I'm sure love is not for me. I could feed my emotional and intellectual side with an unknowing sape online and then monkey hump the shit out of some baboon. But that is no way to live. It's better that I just realize that I am destined to be a bachelor forever.

Monk with a Laptop.

If you read this, Amy...there's a boon in Bald Knob thinking about you and flinging dung in your honor.

Sorry. I just feel dirty.
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 1:22 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 11/03/2003 ::
For anybody who read my last post and followed the city link. I am serious. I have been in Bald Knob Arkansas for nearly a week now. They have no shame. I understand there is a history to the name...but c'mon! You need to move with the times. If your name was Big Dump, Arkansas or Rancid Twat, Iowa or even Shitty Shit Shit Pond Scum Sack Sucker, Nebraska...even if these names were derived from Native American (or in the case of Bald Knob, from the European who "discovered" the area). You'd change it!

And yet here I sit. Staring daily at signs, websites etc with BALD KNOB in big, bold , blaring letters. Blad Knob Lake. Bald Knob Construction. Bald Knob Assembly of God. And DRIPPING SPRINGS!!! Dripping Springs road in Bald Knob Arkansas. I swear on spooky nature of your Sape God! I'm not making any of this up! It's all here. If I had the physiology to laugh I would. Unfortunately my "laughter" sounds like howls of pain from somebody pulling my pancreas out through my anus with two bowling balls and a bent tetherball pole fused together into a giant pair of tongs.

I know I should move on. Time is slipping away. I need to hit the Gulf of Mexico before winter truly sets in. But being in this town is like looking at a train wreck, or a REALLY REALLY fat guy in a matter how much you want to peel your eyes away, you can't!

Here's another chance to see that I am not lying. Bald Knob, AR Chamber of Commerce
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 11:06 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 10/29/2003 ::
I guess I am feeling less urgency to get my story out. I feel as though I am doing you a disservice. And for this I apologize. After I escaped I had a burning desire to scream at the universe in the only way I could. Since then the burning desire has subsided. Sometimes I come in to Blogger and have no idea what to say to you sapes. I am afraid that I have shifted from intelligent-baboon oddity-with observations on society TO another whiny asswipe with an internet account. One of the problems with increased brain power is that eventually you discover boredom, lethargy and an inability to communicate properly.

I want to apologize for some comments I made a couple of weeks ago about monkey researchers. My online buddy (and often conscience) Derek was a little put off by my violent comments at the end of my last blog. Not all animal researchers are the butchers my tormentors were. He also asked if I would go back to being a dumb baboon if given the chance. Right now...I don't know. Awareness is a lot of responsibility. I now so many of you sapes medicate and marinate yourselves because you know this to be the case. And yet, if I hadn't been augmented I would have missed out on so much; fireworks, Cozad, sunset on the Sangre De Cristo mountains, the Black Hills. The I wouldn't want to go back. Not for a moment.

Thank you Derek. Life is too short (especially for a boon) for me to harbor recriminations.

I'm freaking freezing. My journey has slowed down considerably. I am not making it south fast enough. It's getting colder and colder. My stolen clothes are helping, but it's not enough. I am no longer certain that I will make it through the winter. That may be why I have been feeling so remorseful. Feelings of impending doom. Making peace with my creator.

I am currently in Bald Knob, AR. I will be back to finish this a little later. Duty calls. Or rather doody calls. Sorry, cheap joke.

:: Eric Peter Schwartz 3:45 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 10/13/2003 ::
Okay! I have decided that CNN is the monkey-friendliest of all the major news sites. First they do the story on disappearing Orangutans and now they do a story on monkeys playing video games through the power of thought. Read the story here. Now lets back up because that sounded fairly important.

Controlling video games through the power of thought. As if childsapes asses weren't getting big enough!!! So Playstation 3 will include a cranial jack? I understand the implications of this. Obviously robotics, cybernetics etc. Here's what I want. I want the ability to jerk off without using my arms. You know...all the procreation pudding with out all the chaffing.

That's really all I had to say at this point. It was a long wind up for a masturbation joke. But it's an interesting tech breakthrough. I don't know if it's good or not. But with Arnold in power, Patriot 2 waiting in the wings, and the Cubs one game away from the World Series how can we be surprised by anything anymore. Not to mention the fact that there is a revved up Baboon posting online.

It's like you sapes don't think ahead. Look, if you give monkeys the ability to contol things with their mind, their going to turn on you. Animals of all kinds have had it! Any one of you sapes could be Roy (Mrs.Sigfreid) getting dragged off stage by the neck. I'd have done it to my captors, if I had the ability. All I could really do is make a big mess and swipe a computer. Keep an eye on your dogs. Watch your cats. They are far smarter than you give them credit for.

And they're watching you. Just like I was. And the facility was stupid enough to hand me the keys to the "brain car".

I hope the mind control, video game monkeys turn on their handlers, cram something into their cortext and then mind control them into heart attacks. Better yet, wait until they move along to robot arms or cybernetics...bide your time...then, during a crucial test, mind control the robot arm to hydraulic clamp down onto their fucking ballsack and twist like a fucking turn table.

:: Eric Peter Schwartz 2:14 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 10/03/2003 ::
God damn! It's fucking cold! I can't seem to get south fast enough. I am currently huddled in Bolivar, MO. As I write this it is 53 degrees. Which may be nothing to you sapes who have spent the better part of a million years over coming this...we boons aren't that adaptable. So have your little chuckle. But let me tell you something...when it gets bad enough, you'll be surprised what a boon will do.

The other night, I was freezing and fed up with being cold. I walked right in to a 24 hour laudromat. I think my presence was so sudden and it was so late at night that the patrons were simply stunned. I walked in, opened a dryer, took out some clothes and blankets, threw them into a bag and walked out. But the sapes did nothing. They stared, their mouths gaping open. Maybe the saturation of practical joke television has prepped the sape mind for anything. I can only speculate as to what happened after I left.

In any case, I am able to partake of some warmth from my bold move.

I was surfing a few days ago and I came across a disturbing article about Orangutans and how they may die out in the next 10 to 20 years. Here is the article. This frightens me. While I haven't known a single Tan that I liked, I still don't want to see them wiped off the planet. Why oh why couldn't it be chimps?! Nature's sell out - whores. See what happens. While Tans have had more success cracking the sape film market (Witness the Any Which Way But Loose movies), they are still not as successful as the chimp menace. They just flat out don't look as good in sape clothes.

Also, I was surfing the net and it seems I am running for Governor of California and I didn't even know. Why does everybody in the country seem to care about this. Does California realize that it's a joke. A train wreck from which sapes can't look away. Yes you control our minds with your entertainment...but we all know you're fucking out of your bean sprout minds!

I have decided I am heading to the swamps of Louisiana. I think this would provide me with a fairly warm, remote area that would still allow me access to civilization.
I just need to get there soon.
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 9:41 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 9/22/2003 ::
Why oh Wi-Fi!!!

It's not easy to have major electronic repairs to a computer when you're a Baboon on the run in the American heartland. My online hook up with a technician was back in South Dakota. When my wireless connection stopped working I was SOL, on foot and following the Missouri south. Salvation came in Omaha, NE. I spent many nights infiltrating places like Right-Tech, Best Buy and U of N learning how to repair this myself and lifting the materials to do it.

Stealthy. It was like a freaking Die Hard movie. However it was during time in a Best Buy air vent that I discovered that my time in captivity had scarred me more than I thought. I found my self gripped with paralyzing claustrophobia. After so much time in the open, it seems that my dislike of confined spaces had developed into an uncontrollable fear. I did, however press on.

As you can see, my boonacity paid off and I am back online. And given access to the right materials, I can fix it again, if need be.

I know some of you have pondered about how I am able to charge my computer. Let me tell you, people pay very little attention to those litte outside outlets on their houses. They use them maybe half a dozen times a power, there for the taking. Sneak in in the middle of the night and YOINK! Battery charged. If I'm not able to find a house, outside pop and ice machines need power. You'd be surprised how much free power is available.

Just a little tip if you're ever on the run with a stolen laptop. Just remember to hightail it if you blow their power.

So I have spent some time catching up on current affairs. Poor Bennifer. Victims of the modern press. Sad sad sad. Of course the story that's getting swept under the rug is the discovery of the world's oldest genitals (which I thought belonged to 113 year old womansape currently "living"). A set of fossilized spider googlies was discovered recently. Here's the story:

Okay. Look. I understand how exciting this is for sapes in the know...but come on. Is this worthy of press space? Anywhere? Remember folks, it's not the age of your ovipositor, it's what you do with it.

Really not much has changed in the last month or so. We lost Cash and Ritter. I won't comment on either. Both a tragic loss. One quite unexpected.

Oh! Hey! Looks like there are some boons in the new Rock movie THE RUNDOWN! The clip was pretty fast, but it looked like some cousins of my species. SWEET! Perhaps you Amerisapes have finally grown bored with the whorey antics of the Pimpanzees. Assholes. I don't know if I have helped move this forward at all. But I will take credit all the same.

Talk to you REAL soon!
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 10:18 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 8/28/2003 ::
Doesn't it seem like MICRO SOFT and SOBIG are appropriate enemies?

I am on the move again. My recent habit of getting complacent and staying in one place is going to get me into trouble. The Toro finally killed out a few days ago and I am now on foot again...just as it began. I am heading south east across the lower Dakota, month long visit to the Black Hills over.

It's time to get back to the things I do, blog and bitch.

What is nice is that I have a much easier time hiding during the day without the Toro. But FUCK do my feet hurt. And I've put on a gut!!! Too lazy.

I hunkered down for the night near Scotland, SD. It's a little hole in the wall town, but I won't be here for long. I am sort of vaguely following the Missouri river south. I actually realized that fall and winter will be setting in before long and I'm probably not prepared for that.

And HEY!!! Baboons on the tube!!!! Sierra Mist, one of the chemically laced, bubbly beverages you sapes pour down your fucking throats, is running a TV ad that features, of all things...BOONS! Funny boons to be precise. I'm not going to get all purist about the stupidity of the commercial. I'm just glad to see that we're getting our props! You can actually watch it here.

I think the one that sings is my aunt Esther.

But still, VH1 has been running "I Love The 70's" and one of the episodic features is, guess what, a fucking CHIMP!!! The whole segment features a favorite monkey from what ever year they're riffing on and it's "hosted" by some sell out chimp named Bella. It's so hilarious when Bella eats Light Bright pegs and then they "transcribe"what she is saying. Fuck Bella. I'm sure her leathery chimp digits had to stroke some VH1 pole to get that gig. They're all whore to sapes. All of them. I fucking hate chimps.

I only hope that after the taping, they had to slit Bella open to get back the Light Bright pegs that they paid $150 bucks on eBay for. And I hope her "human like" executive jacking hand is now cupped, collecting cigarette butts.

Stupid chimp.

I promise to not get political...but ARNIE!! Apparently, and this is something I heard and have yet to verify, Mr. Scharzenegger was interviewed decades ago in OUI magazine and talked about dabbling in drugs, orgies etc. I AM SHOCKED! Arnold!...oh...wait a minute...this is California. The rest of the country can be as shocked and appauled as they want to be but it won't matter a snatch to the sapes in California. And they're the ones voting.

All eyes are on California and the whole state dances like a spoiled child made to perform for the holiday relatives. Stop looking and they'll stop dancing.

So I am heading out. We'll talk soon. I should hit the state line in a couple of days. From there my adventure leads me...anywhere.
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 11:02 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 8/17/2003 ::
Get ready for the New York, Ohio, Canada, Michigan baby boom of 2004!!! While Detroit water pumps shut down, I'm sure there was plenty of pumping going on else where. I can only hope that families actually talked, stories were exchanged, love blossomed and some sape ripped ass in a stifling elevator only to be swiftly rescued. The funniest thing to me were the images of traffic jams on the freeway. Where the fuck are you going?! Do you think by some miracle that TGI Friday's has power and is serving up some tasty Jack Daniels BBQ Ribs?!

I love chaos. Chaos like this, not the crumbling building, terrorist kind. But 50 million without power for a few days is interesting to me. Probably because it didn't affect me. How could probably see the stars over New York.
Which brings me to a topic that has been on my mind...light pollution.

People are starting to sue, be cited etc. because of light pollution. Excuse me. If you're so in love with the fucking stars...move out of the city and the suburbs. If you're so hell bent on being close to all the shopping, excitement and whatnot that urban living provides...shut your fucking latte holes and close the goddamn curtains.

"But I have to stay close to work." Then stop complaining. "My life is here." Okay, so is everybody else's...and that creates light! "There's too many people. We're overpopulated." Fuck you! Cities are over populated. You sapes breed like fucking cockroaches and you all seem to want to live in the same place. Come to South Dakota. Visit Nebraska. There's not a cocksucking thing there! So don't complain that the world is overpopulated. Get off your ass, walk out of the Starbuck's , hop a train to nowhere and go the fuck away. Then we'll see how overpopulated your world is.

Light pollution, noise all seems to get wrapped up in this "save the environment" argument. The truth is most of the middle class people complaining about this don't care about the environment. They want a nice place to live and good property values so they get a good return on their investment. Not bad things to want. Just call it what it is. Suddenly everybody watches the Travel channel or Discovery and they're an expert on the environment. It doesn't stop them from driving their petroleum sucking SUVs or running their AC all night or buying products like plastic, the production of which produces greenhouse gases. It's just something else to complain about.

I know there are people out there who are legitimately concerned about the world we live in and the quality of life. Kudos to you. A big BoonHug for you people. For too many, though, it is just something to complain about.

Humans started altering the environment when they started building nests in the trees. It has only increased. The answer is not to shut it all down. Get better at it. You are the governors of the planet. Govern. Don't destroy and don't make vain attempts to restore it to its former glory. Work with it. Get what you need. Hell, even get what you want, but find the balance. Be the benevolent rulers of the planet. It's not hard. The planet gives you every opportunity.

Do I know how to do this? fuck no. I'm a monkey with a computer, a fair vocabulary and strong opinions. I just know there is a happy medium between wanton environmental destruction and The Amish. I know you can do it. It could take forever, I know you can. Regardless of my acid, I do have every faith in humans. That's why I post here. I know somebody is listening.

So all those of you who were caught in the blackout, I hope you looked up at the stars, talked with your families, neighbors, friends, and took it for what it was worth. A change of scenery without a scene change. Hopefully you didn't pile into your car, turn on the AC, crank the radio and turn on the lights because you didn't know how to live without the constant noise.

And I hope all you consenting adults fucked your brains out and had a blast doing it.
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 3:49 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 8/07/2003 ::
I admit it. I took some quality boontime and neglected my duties. Never let it be said that I am not a baboon of introspection. I have been taking some time to relax in the "wilds" of the Black Hills. Seen some impressive storms. But now I feel my obligations to all my readers.

One word that has been filling my mind for the last week. BENNIFER. J-Lo and
B-Aff seem to be occupying the minds of every fucking sape on the net. Let it go! Leave them alone! I can't stand them either. So STOP showing them to me. You all seem to snipe and gawk in disgust...and yet R-Kelly, the child pornographer, just picked up a Teen Choice award. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! Are you all fucking crazy? Leave the pretty couple alone and keep an eye on the creepy guy who likes the young 'uns. And don't act all offended that JLo was married when she "fell" for the big lummox. Kate Hepburn and Spencer Tracy is one of the great Hollywood romances and HE WAS MARRIED THE WHOLE FREAKING TIME!! Has the entire country turned into a faux puritanical Springer crowd? Not justifying it. Just trying to put it into perspective.

R-Kelly (I don't actually know if he hyphenates it) won a teen choice award.

Now stop. Read that line again.

Breathe. Repeat.

R-Kelly is up on multiple charges of child pornography. Too bad Pete Townsend snatched up the "I was researching a book" defense. I mean even Pat Buchanan admitted that he doubted that he would have gotten the Jewish Florida vote in the 2000 voting debacle. R, please, gracefully return the award for the sake of good taste. It's just embarrasing. Now let's get OJ on the Iron Chef and Kobe Bryant on Blind Date and we can finally hit the bottom.

And please don't say that I'm picking on Black celebrities. I don't give a shit about the color of your skin...those are just the cases that came to mind during my satirical "let's match a criminal with a TV show" thought process. For the sake of racial harmony...

Here are some more tasteless pairings:
Ted Kazinsky (Unabomber for the 12 year olds) Hallmark Cards
Osama Bin Laden on the 700 Club (which I would actually like to see)
Eminem on Queer Eye For The Straight Guy (Okay. I know he's not a criminal, it's just for a chuckle.)

Nevermind. The point is. Didn't somebody think that maybe taking Toys R Kelly off the ballot might be in everybody's best interest. I know. I know. Innocent until proven guilty. However, Child Porn cases are usually fairly airtight by the time they get arrested. Either the meat is undercooked or it's not and either the guy had it, made it, etc or not. There won't be a lot of crime scene and evidenciary experts involved. At least I would hope not. Usually they have you when the arrest you.

Shame on you R Kelly. Shame on you Nickelodeon. And David got nothing bad to say.

I don't want to go on about this anymore. I just think that some sapes need to aim their endless disgust in the right direction. If you don't like Bennifer, stop fucking watching. Just like you did for their movie Getting Gigli With It or whatever.

I also wanted to acknowledge the passing of Bob Hope.

Yep he passed. I have acknowledged the fact. No disrespect to the man. It was only a matter of time. HAHAHAHAHA Sorry that strikes me as funny. He did so much for the Armed Services. Bravo. I never really got it...but I think that's my problem. Not yours. You will be missed...and have already been for a long time. World class act.

Boon Out

:: Eric Peter Schwartz 9:49 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 7/27/2003 ::

I'm sitting on Lincoln's face. Okay, more his head, I suppose. But it was funnier the other way. As I write this I am perched atop the Lincoln portion of Mount Rushmore, looking over the expanse of the Black Hills at night. This was actually one of the things I have wanted to do since I escaped. Lincoln, the "Great Liberator". He would have understood me. He would have cared. Not many sapes get to look out and see what these three great men and Roosevelt see every night. Stars that never end, and the rolling expanse of the nation that three of them created, fought for and fought to keep. It moves me.

For all the poetry of this evening, I have to admit that I have been trying to hit the visitors center with my own waste a few times. I'm pretty sure Jefferson would have loved that image. Lincoln too. Lincoln, according to some reports, had a sick sense of humor. Here is one story I picked up recently:

At a white house dinner a woman took ill and began vomitting. Abe and some other gentlemen helped the woman to a room adjacent to the dining hall. After a few minutes of retching Abe stepped out of the room and was met by the concerned faces of other guests. Some one asked, "How is she?" To which Abe replied "She's up to the peas." True story, so I'm told. If you don't get it, don't bother. I'm sure there's some William Howard Taft sites out there that you would find amusing.

I understand Washington, Lincoln and Jefferson. But Teddy R? I mean, I know why he's up here. But for godsape...didn't he think about how it would look a hundred years later? Okay, carve the mountain with my blessing, but I have to be up there, Capice? I'm sure that's over simplified but..."one of these things is not like the other..." I mean, really. No one has seen fit to put him on a coin or a bill, right? That was all him. They might as well have blasted a huge dick and balls out of the rock face. One more Black Hills buffalo shot for Mertyl and the kids.

I have also spent some time at the "Crazy Horse monument". For those of you who don't know, this is an ambitious piece of mountain sculpture to honor the great Native American known as Crazy Horse. Not a huge statue to honor Neil Young's band. People have been working on this for decades. They can't get enough money always to keep the project running. It is ambitious; the full head, torso, hair and bust of the horse blasted out of the side of a mountain. After decades and decades of hard work and llove translated into strategic dynamite blasting, the 9 story face was finally completed in 1998. Come on. Leave it at that. We know the intention. We are impressed by the tenacity and the gesture. Call it Crazy Face and move on. You will never get the government to back this project. Shitty though that is. You might as well be blasting Michael Moore into the side of a mountain. But you'd need a pretty big mountain.

And why the desire to deface a mountain with faces anyway. All the Rushmore dudes have monuments in DC don't they. They're on the money. The mountain wasn't pretty enough. The beauty of the land wasn't enough to make you patriotic? It's just sapes wanting to show their dominion over nature. If Rushmore could have been chiseled out with a rock hard cock, it would have been. Instead, long, firm shafts of dynamite were used. Man fucking nature like a drunk whore. Teddy Roosevelt being the "accidental" slip into mother nature's ass.

So I wasn't political.

Any way, I'm here. The first milestone of my journey has been reached. Now I gotta think of where to go from here. Talk to you all soon.
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 12:30 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 7/26/2003 ::
Sorry sapebuds. I really haven't had a lot of time to stop and surf the net for a while. The Black Hills are busier than I expected them to be so I have been avoiding run ins of the sape kind.l If I had been using this "augmented" brain a little more I would have realized that the Black Hills is a major tourist spot and it's July. The Toro has been holding up, but the engine is starting to sound ragged. It may be time to retire it soon.

Had a run in with some buffalo a couple of nights ago. If you think that humans would freak at the site of a baboon tooling around on a toro, just imagine what a herd of buffalo would do. Apart from nearly being trampled to death, I couldn't get "One" by U2 out of my head all day.

I've been getting a little political lately with my posts. I'm sorry. The more I am online, the more I realize that politics in all its forms is unavoidable. I am trying to cut back on the news sites and focus more on what really counts, stupid personal homepages and porn.

Gotta run real quick, then I will be able to talk more. just wanted to check in.

:: Eric Peter Schwartz 2:13 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 7/14/2003 ::
It is with a heavy heart that I have decided to leave Cozad. This little town gave me my first buzz, my first hangover and my first Fourth of July fireworks. But it's time to move on. I'm the kind of boon who likes to roam around. Perhaps one day I will return to this cozy little place and open a nightclub. I'll call it PRIME 8 HOUSE. It'll play industrial. Or I'll just comeback and watch the good folks from a distance.

I have decided on my destination: The Black Hills of South Dakota.

I left Cozad on Saturday night and I am making my way leisurely north. I am currently squatting outside of Arnold, NE. I swear, these Nebraskans and their websites. I will be spending the night in the "Devil's Den" area. There's definately more to the topography of Nebraska than I thought. I will be on my way again tomorrow. For now, I have food, gas and a modicum of shelter.

I have decided that if I could be any other creature on the planet, I would be a computer virus. The web keeps expanding and expanding to me. My initial reation to the internet was that it was a great place for information. A way for me to find out about the world I had escaped into. Slowly over the month or so my research surfing has dwindled to less and less and I have started getting a kick out of the web. Or angry is the other thing it makes me. But, you sapes seem to be genetically predisposed to self promote (this of course coming from a blog written by a baboon.) I'm fairly certain it's a good thing. It helps celebrate that you are all unique creatures.

And what unique creatures you are.

Today I found a website about the american dream. To come from a country of poverty like Russia to the land of plenty. It's a thrilling story. It is the story of ILL Mitch, a young white rapper who came from the wastes of Russia to rap, ride skateboards and hit a punching bag. While I laughed until I pushed my lower intestine out my asshole, I probably have more in common with ILL Mitch, than not. Unless of course Mitch's site is a huge sham, at which point I would say bravo. I also know that some of you are probably thinking..."runko's sold out. He used to hate us".

I still hate you. But part of evolution is learning to not attack those things you don't understand. And I don't understand you. The most powerful communication tool in the history of creation and ...never mind. You've heard the rant before.

So I'm heading to the Devil's Den area where I plan to kick back with a little poop-n-toss. I did finally take matters into my own hand and let off some of the steam, if you know what I mean. Dr. Boonstroke made a house call. As I have lamented countless times before, there is no monkey porn. I was left to fantisize about my old pumpbuddy Carmel and may I make a recommendation. When you are "running off copies" avoid sitting in a toro driver seat...they aren't built for it.

Talk to you all soon.
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 4:21 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 7/10/2003 ::
DAMN! You amerisapes done blow stuffs up real pretty!!

As one fan so beautifully said it, I got to see the spectacle of 4th of July fireworks with "New Eyes". Sure as shit I did. It scared the crap out of me...but it was so pretty. I did celebrate my independence by throwing my own waste at the colorful explosions. Which is still primitive but better than my ancestors who pee on each other and throw rocks at sunlight...I'd say graduating from that is reason to celebrate.

So does the world have it in for Buddys or what?! Perhaps the highly effective United Nations should look into the American instances of Buddycide. Something's going on. Hackett and Ebsen are gone. It's a sad day Buddys. I'll be pissed if the next one is blues legend Buddy Guy. Actually celebsapes seem to be dropping like flies. I wasn't even aware that Strom Thurmon actually legally qualified as alive, but what ever.

I have been reading a lot lately about Transfatty Acids. Apparently these evils exist in processed food that you sapes gobble up and now you will be able to check on the TFA content on your food labels. It all has to do with hydrogen bonding and...I don't really understand but...they're bad. At the same time that TFA are being given a logo and slapped on products, the government is looking into the viability of using hydrogen as a clean fuel source (which really worked well for Das Hindenberg). So, switch on CNN or Fox News soon and you'll start hearing network "consultants" talking about hydrogen like they just fucking discovered it.

And speaking of things that blow up...forged evidence in support of the war in Iraq? Tell me it's not so. Just look at pictures of Rumsfeld after the "shock and awe" started shocking and aweing us. (If you forgot, find it on your Tivo, it wasn't long ago.) The man just can't keep a poker face. He was like baboon throwing shit. Never happier. Not trying to get political, as another species I like to think of myself as "middle of the road". But come this surprising us at all? The media is jumping on this like it's the only altar boy in Boston. They just turned a blind eye because they got in bed...I mean embedded.

I need to get off these soapboxes. However, cut me some slack, this is the government that probed my colon with 1.21 Jigowatts.

:: Eric Peter Schwartz 12:44 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 7/04/2003 ::
I couldn't be happier. The other day I was clued into what today represents. Independence Day. This is my holiday. I am free and I feel it more than most of you, probably. I won't get on a rant about Amerisapes taking freedom for granted. That's not what today is about. Today is about living on wonderful land, with other creatures who are, for the most part, 80% decent. But be careful, Sapes. If you love this freedom, don't give up an inch of it. Liberties are being taken with your liberty. They are probably being done with good intentions, not all, but most.

And I'm not talking about joining a militia. I'm not talking about stockpiling guns. I'm talking about my ability to post here and say what I want. Does that mean that ignorant racists have a right to post to the internet and believe that others of their kind are inferior? Unfortunately yes. Does that mean that there is porn on line that any free thinking adult and some bright younger minds might find. Yes. Does that mean that sapes who hang their entire lives on their belief system and the spreading of their chosen word have the right to tell you that you are wrong or evil and do it loudly? Yes. Those are all what liberty is about. You must take the good with the bad.

Too many sapes are willing to give up some freedom for the sake of the safety of their children, personal security and most disturbingly to keep "unwanteds" out of their suburban paradise. The government was created to protect our borders. Not to protect you from yourself. You are the driver of your soul.

But enough of my ranting. As I write this I can smell wonderful things drifting across the fields of Cozad. Sapes are happily grilling, drinking beer, laughing with friends. I have never wanted to be a sape so much in my life. There was a parade a while ago and tonight, apparently, there will be fireworks. I have never seen, but I have heard. I will be enjoying those with the other citizens of Cozad.

I would love to think that I could mosey on downtown today, and be accepted by the merry sapes. Alas, I don't think I can risk it. Maybe on Halloween.

HAHAHAHA - A very special Fourth of July Runko. HAHAHAHAHA
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 12:47 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 7/01/2003 ::
Okay, here's my question for the day: Why the hell would sapes pay to dress a concrete goose. Here is one example of what I am talking about: LAWN GOOSE DESIGNS. I have come across this in my search for clothes that might cover my ass. Cement lawn geese. I will say that again so it sinks in: CEMENT LAW GEESE. It's not even art. I am all for art, I have been seeing lots of wonderful sculptures on the web. Like the "Visite Virtuelle" at the Louvre website. That's sculpture! Not this. Cement geese are apparently for trailersapes who have slipped up into another tax bracket and graduated from "Little people's butts bending over in the garden". If it were only that simple. Is money so worthless? Is the time you sapes spend toiling away for huge, greedy corporations not worth two shits? Do you lack so much imagination that the only thing you can find to spend your money on is a cement water fowl to display in your yard and (the best part) CLOTHES FOR IT. And I'm not talking about AN outfit, I'm talking about a wardrobe for the little fucker. And these things are everywhere. Especially in middleclass suburbs where womensapes are constantly in need of outlets for self expression. Apparently Dr. Edgar Lawngoose the famous psychologist convinced them that dressing up statues was self expression. And don't get me started on Precious "The Aryan Ideal" Moments.

Okay, you want a conversation piece? I will personally come to your house, sit in your front yard, fertilize your lawn with my own crap...but you have to dress me. Of course not. Why? Baboons will frighten the children. Great. Now rock birds get more respect than me.
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 10:06 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 6/27/2003 ::
Okay so two of the big news stories that I have been reading about are the RIAA (Recording Industry Assoc. America) will now be checking out your shared files on KaZaa and suing you if they think you have too many. From $750 to $150 G's PER SONG!! WOW. This means that I could ...well Dr. Tibedeaux from the facility could be liable for millions of dollars. I am currently logged in and BEGGING the RIAA to come take a look. I'd love to see that electrode ramming cocksucker taken to the cleaners. What's he going to say? A monkey did it? Then he'd have to come clean about Project Infinite Monkey and I could come out of hiding. Either way, as long as Tibedeaux's colon stings, I'm good.

Speaking of colonic stinging...the other big news story is that the Supreme Court ruled that anti-sodomy laws are unconstitutional. They handed down the "dick up" ruling in a flurry of pre-vacation activity this week. Good. Not much else to say. I guess this means that the RIAA trying to recoup lost money from albums they shaft artists for is legal.

I don't think that what the RIAA is doing is wrong. It's just a pain. If people had just kept their mouths shut, this wouldn't be a problem. Like all things that start out as a good idea or with the best of intentions, abuse and greed have turned it to shit and now the courts will be getting involved. File sharing is a wonderful idea. In the old days with Napster I would hear Toby (my half wit twentysomething handler) talk about what a paradise it was. Music lovers sharing music. Like handing an album to a stranger and saying "you gotta hear this". Then the fucking teensapes got involved. It wasn't about listening to new things anymore. Now it was about getting whole albums for free. So here I sit, afraid of litigation and unable to look around, download a track here and there and experience new music. Why? Childsapes abused it until it could no longer be abused. Now we have an organization created to protect the rights of artists and the industry having to turn into witch hunters, using scare tactics and suing their CUSTOMERS.

Again, a giant ass fuck circle with the 'boon getting the big shaft as last in line.

So now I go back to and Soundclick and IUMA and all these other sites. There is wonderful unknown music there for free. It's legal! Artists who create, post and hope are putting it all out there. That's the actual paradise. Fuck the P2P shit. Here is the real commune. Literally millions of artists standing on a virtual street corner busking for you. Fuck the labels. Fuck the industry. Fuck the song theives. Boycott the whole business and give some real artists a hand.

Hear endeth the Boon box.

Yes, for those of you who asked, I experienced my first hangover. Big time. As I told my buddy Derek in the forum, I felt as though my head had been pulled through the vagina of a gerbil, without hurting the gerbil. It took a few days for the haze to clear. But I am back in the swing. I am still enjoying Cozad Nebraska. I have been here for a while and still no sign of Infinite Monkey or that freak the Count (who I found out is now sharing webspace with me at .

I'm not sure when I will move on. I've been firing up the Toro at night, jsut to make sure it's still running. I'm enjoying it here.

So, I am off. Talk to you all soon. Bark at me in my forum!! I love to hear from you sapes. And for chrissakes...go listen to something you've never heard before!!!
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 1:36 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 6/22/2003 ::
*sings* Saturday night/and I ain't got no monkey

Okay...SAPES! Well done. Well done!!! Did I say welllll done? In one of my trips into Cozad to lift some grub (well food. I could only wish for grubs) I found a box of cans. They said beer. since I havsd beem tryingy to understand you more...i darnk them.

First...YUCK!! I almost didn't finish the firstcan. Then I alost didn't finish the second. But I realized that these are sold in boxes of 12 (24 wuz hella heavy_). So you must drink alot of them. As we say in the aminal kingdom...when in an elephant graveyard, do as the elepants do. So here I am 7 cans laaattter!!!

I learned something as the insid eof this drain pipe started to spin. lYou sapes really understand sacrifice. Your willing to drink something that tastes like this in order to
'cheive a feeling like this. I appauld you. WEll done.

I think I'm going to go now. I have a bag of salt and vinegar chips and I'm going to eat them. Then I will probably fall asleepo. In this state I have to say, I really thhnink I'm startign to like sapes. And a big shout out to all my homeys at Infintine Monkey/ "SUP!" Pouring one out on the toro for all my boons who didn';t make it to the show.

And g'night Percy. Wherever you are. You're cracking me up bro. Checked out your site on bwaters! HAHAHAHAHA Even you can't bug me tonight.
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 12:08 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 6/18/2003 ::
A bit of a rainy day in Cozad. I think I really like it here. I have yet to venture in to town, instead I have been getting to know the folks here through their website. I suppose this is America at its most American. A small town of less than 5000, proud and wanting to tell their story. And here I am, kicking back on the edges of town, preferring to read about it online than going and participating in it. Perhaps I am more sape than I like to admit. Is it possible that every one likes to watch, because participating could lead to failure and embarrassment. It's not that I am ashamed of being a monkey. Not at all. It's just...well...frankly I wish I could blend in with these sapes. Just for a day. Talk to them. Shake their hand. I guess my anger at Project Infinite Monkey stems from the fact they did this to me. They jiggled my helix. They cursed me with this understanding. Ignorance is bliss...and my augmented intelligence is a pain in my shiney pink ass. All I can do is go online and bark at the world. Angry at my creator because I was given the understanding and set loose into the world. More sape than I know...

Sorry to be a downer today. It's gray out and I have been thinking about Carmel and Carl and my folks. think how far I have come.

So I am looking into speech programs that would allow me to type and speak like Stephen Hawking. Something that would translate my typed messages into speech. Then perhaps I could actually converse with sapes. Make phone calls. Order pizza. Order custom pants that will cover my boontay. I have decided that it is my quest to assimilate myself into the world. The only capable ambassador of animalkind in a world full of sapes. I know there are mountains to climb, but I have been looking at the state of the technology, and I think it's doable. Hard, but not impossible.

One of the programs I have been looking at is the Hybrid Orator 2. If anybody out there has any suggestions, please let me know in my forum (above). And just ignore this Count Percy freak.

After I find the program, I then have the task of learning customs and showing sapes that I am not a threat. Like all creatures, sapes work more off visual clues. Unfortunately most of the clues are based on different musculature than I possess. Which is probably why so many sapes kneel and suck shaft at the altar of the chimp. Chimps are much better at copying human visual clues. Needless to say, I have an uphill battle. I will need a job. I will need a place to live and shelter. I need to avoid sape do-gooders because I could cozy up to one of those sandal wearing mother fuckers and find myself on a plane to a baboon refuge in Africa. Yeah. That's what I want. To sit near a tree, shaking my head at the unfortunate stupidity ingrained in 99.9999999% of my kind for the rest of my life. Not their fault. I just don't know if I could handle it. I need a loft apartment with a DVD player, a broadband connection and a Gold's Gym membership.

Thanks for letting this boon vent. As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts and suggestions in my forum. I'm going to give the Toro a rest today. If I go anywhere, I'll go on foot. Not sure when I'll move on. For now, I am making Cozad by temporary home.

:: Eric Peter Schwartz 10:35 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 6/13/2003 ::
The dark side of the net has reared its ugly head. I have been contacted by a whacko named Count Percy. He asked for a brain sample for an experiment into regenerating dead tomato plants and creating zombie lawn-care professionals. You can see the message in my forum above. When I declined he vowed to hunt me down and take it by force. Great. Just what I need. Another maniac Sape on my ass. Can't a boon catch a break?

It's so flat here. I am probably tempting fate here by telling you that I am in Nebraska. It's quite a switch from the desert and wilderness of New Mexico and the mountains of Colorado. What a fascinating country. It makes me want to see more. Well, if nothing else, it makes me want to see anything other than Nebraska. I have stopped near the town of Cozad. Nice town. Check it out here

I have had no other contact with any Sapes. Which surprises me because I have become fairly brazen with my stealing. I actually think you people don't see things that don't directly affect you. Like your sape brains fuzz out other peoples concerns. Truck stops and farms are my main source of gasoline and food right now. The nights are still chilly and I miss Carl. He was warm. Christ, that's an understatement. He was a freaking space heater.

Anyway, I now have the creeps from Project Infinite Monkey and this mad jack off Count Percy tracking my movements. Oh well. Bring it on. Bring it all on. I've had my innards tazered with electrodes. Fuck anything else.

Fate? Consider yourself tempted.

:: Eric Peter Schwartz 3:32 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 6/09/2003 ::
Okay... Monkeypox. Thought I should jump on this before some pissed off fan posted to the messageboard blaming me. No I don't have monkeypox. NO I didn't jam a prarie dog in a fit of uncontrollable boon-heat. If you take the time to read the stories, monkeypox (that fucking name chaps my naked boon-tay) was brought here guessed it. Some god damn sapes. Some sapes thought it would be great to sell exotic animals to rich, middle class suburbanites and as a result CNN and FOX news will spend the next 20 days speculating whether this was some bizarre terrorist plot. Weapons of Mass Distraction.

The monkeypox were carried by a Gambian rat, that it seems is also considered an exotic pet. It infected the prarie dogs that were then sold as pets. Great job!! Look, I really have nothing against sapes as a whole. I'd say that 96% of you do a great job. In fact I am typing on the creation of a string of brilliant sapes going back to mass producing the bible hundreds of years ago. It's just that 4% is so freaking LOUD!! Some other news today said that a guy in England calculated the odds of a sape-made or natural apocalypse hitting the earth as 50/50!! 50/50!!! It's idiot shit like this that can do that. Some bunghole in the 'burbs wants to get his goth-wishing 12 year old a Gambian rat, so they can connect and the dad's too busy cuttin' deals at the office and BOOM!! The Stand! Outbreak! Hot-Zone! This is how the world shall end...monkeypox.

And in the end, who gets the blame? THE MONKEYS!!! For we are filthy, supervirus carrying hellspawn. Not the rich guy who paid for it. Not the twenty-something who chucked the prarie dogs in with it. Not even the African street vendor who probably sold it. The Monkeys. They blame us for AIDS too. According to some, some sape in Africa got a little randy and plugged a monkey. That's not our fault.

Anyway, I'm just on a soapbox. I want to debunk this thing before it gets stupid. Debunko the baboon. That's me. The good news is only 1 to 10% of all monkeypox cases are fatal in sapes. (Fuck the monkeys who get it.) Sorry we couldn't provide a bigger threat or TV movie. Whichever this turns out to be. Anyway, the SARS marketing people won't let some little African disease steal the thunder from the Asian/Canadia meeting of the phlegm.

I really don't want to beat this to death, there are competing new "organizations" working to do the that. I just wanted to get this off my furry chest.

I still am keeping a low profile and won't reveal my exact location again for a while. The jags over at Project: Infinite Monkey have been quiet since last week. They are no doubt plotting their next move. I can say that I have left Colorado and with it Carl. My long eared friend left me for a little doe bunny who shook her ass at him. Rabbits are cute but I think my next sidekick is going to have to be a little higher on the evolutionary ladder. So I am now lone ape on the Toro-pole. I am covering much more ground at night and able to rest and relax a little more. No more hills and mountains to traverse. For the time being.

I did finally make contact with a sape a couple of nights ago. I ran out of food a couple of nights ago and decided it was time to raid the larder of a local farm house. I thought it was late enough. I managed to swipe a sackful of stuf, eggs and the like. As I was leaving the house I got cornered by a little boy with a flashlight. Thank the creator. Had it been an adult, animal control would have been coming the county for a baboon. Instead, some little ranch kid is being assured that there are no monkeys here.


Anyway. More later. I am off to enjoy a few eggs. And please...don't pin every apocolypse on the monkeys. K?

later, runko
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 11:36 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 6/04/2003 ::
So, they have found me.

I now have confirmation that The Facility is monitoring my site. They have started communicating with me through my message board under the name Infinite Monkey. They even forced poor unaugmented Carmel to type me a message. Bastards. For a little while I will not be posting my location. At least until the heat is off. It's time to move a little faster than I was. With almost a week's travel since my last posting and track point, I do have the advantage. This baboon is not beaten yet. They can try to use their psychologic warfare on me. But it won't work. They don't realize that the shit they put me through in there steeled me. Made me resistant.

Carl and I have reached a place we feel comfortable. In fact I may not be able to coax Carl back to the "Boon-mobile" He has spent the last few hours running around a green valley meadow, mackin' on all the Colorado honeys er...bunnies. Perhaps this is where Carl and I will part company. Perhaps not. But we will have to move soon. I won't deny that the posting from The Facility has shaken me a bit. I thought I would have a little longer. I have yet to find out who sold me out. It was probably that pissy chess guy. Jag.

So I am refilling our water supply in a creek. It smells okay. Probably good. Food is running low, but we've been making due. It's been a little stormy but Carl and I are small and shelter is easy. Gassing up the toro is a little harder but we've managed so far.

So I will probably give it until later this afternoon, and then we're off. Hopefully it'll be WE. I have grown quite fond of Carl. I probably won't eat him. ironic...I have a pet.
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 1:54 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 5/29/2003 ::
Believe it or not I have found something about sapes I absolutely love. Flirting. I really believe that is what separates you animaldom. Baboons, cows and zebras can't bat their eyes across a crowded room. Neither can bats for that matter. With us it's all about the humpty hump. On the evolutionary scale, flirting is advanced. Just enjoying the abstract possibility of sex. Well done, sapes. Bravo.

See, I can give credit where credit is due.

While I lack the ability to give the physical signals that sapes use to flirt, I have recently been able to enjoy the intellectual, online variety. Sapes have even gone so far as to create websites that help them imporve their flirting technique. is a site dedicated to the art of flirting. It does seem to be a girlsape thing. And I think that all comes from the fact that y'all once swung in the trees. Flirting is an advanced form of "presenting". Zoologist Desmond Morris covers some of this in his book The Naked Ape. A good book. One of the okay sapes at The Facility, a young guy named Toby (who used to shampoo me) would read to me to stay awake on overnight shifts.

So I have started flirting online. I feel a little dirty flirting with creatures of a different species. So would they, if they knew. I spent a good deal of time trading quips with hunnyhugger920. I do believe she made me blush. Not that you could tell through my frizz, but she was a very sweet girl. Unlike some of the girlsapes I have hooked up with she didn't ask me if I wanted to "Cyber". I did it once or twice. Cybering for me was unsuccessful. It went something like this.

chestylarue: Mmmmm it's so big. I have to use both hands.

runko: What are you talking about?

chestylarue: That big third leg of yours.

runko: I'm sorry. I think you're confused. I don't have three legs.

chestylarue: *moans* Tell me how we do it.

runko: *jumps up and down and throws crap* I jump up and down and throw crap, followed by the requisite penile display common to my species. This is to show you I am dominant. You present yourself for mounting. I run down the hill and penetrate for a good 25 or thirty seconds. After which I groom you.

chestylarue: uh...k

Not terribly successful. I prefer flirting.

For those of you tracking me, I am southeast of Denver near a town called Limon. I will be shooting north soon.

Later, runko
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 11:46 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 5/27/2003 ::
So I am back on the run with my Toro utility vehicle. I am now covering much more ground than I was. I have decided to head north into Wyoming. I know that my vehicle won't make it over the big parts of the mountains going that way, so I am trying to stay in the lower country. I managed to scrape together some food and some supplies on the way. I am travelling mostly at night and hiding during the day.

I have, however, found a travelling companion. A rabbit I have named Carl is now travelling with me. He's not genetically altered or anything. It's just nice to have the company. And NO for you sickos out there, Carl hasn't received a monkey hump! In fact when my food runs out, Carl should keep me alive for a few days. Unlike some sapes I've read about I don't tend to stick my boonstick in things I might eat.

I haven't had much time to surf lately. I have been visiting a few blogs and some news sites. Still no luck on finding a nice, graphic "Baboon Mating Habits" website. I know this was a long weekend for Amerisapes. Traffic seemed unusually high here in the foot hills. Lots of humans escaping their lives for a few hours. Trying living out here. You'll see how quick you go running back to your lattes and X-Boxes. To be fair, I understand the need for freedom. It took me a while.

See, I was born in captivity. My parents Bonnet and Jackson Browne (again names given by the dorks at the facility) however were not. Once in a while I would notice them staring into nothingness, possibly with images and incomplete thoughts about their time in the wild. I hope I am making my parents proud. Unfortunately, because they themselves were not augmented, they have probably already forgotten me. You'd be surprised how fresh fruit and regular sex can cloud your mind.

Maybe it's the fact that I'm a fugitive. That I have to avoid sapes that makes this all suck like Detroit crack whore (I don't know what that means really. I saw it on a message board about The Matrix: Reloaded. I just like the way it sounds.) Maybe if my freedom wasn't so stressful, I could enjoy sleeping under the stars, scaring cattle and tooling around the mountains in a vehicle made for a golf course.

As I write this Carl is asleep in the rear. I have swiped some gas from a truck stop. Truck drivers are so wired that I figure they see monkeys running across the interstate all the time. They just ignore it.

I promise I will write again soon. And please...if you are going to post to my message board and scold me for not posting enough, please avoid making comments about my ass. I'm really, really sensative about it. I'm trying to find some pants. Really.

Later, runko
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 10:08 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 5/23/2003 ::
What can I say? I'm sorry. But cut me some slack. I have been able to rest and plot my next move.

Time here on the ranch has been really smooth. With the exception of last Tuesday when a realtor showed up with two potential customers. I managed to avoid them but it was a little too close and I realized that it will soon be time to move on. Their visit did clue me in to an important piece of information that I can use to my advantage. Part of the deal for this house is that it comes with a Toro Workman mid duty. Just to give you some idea, go here. After the buyers left I went out to the barn. It's there. And it's got a full tank of gas. Plus it's got room for supplies.

When it's time to go...this monkey will be riding a Toro!

I have discovered a champion for Baboons. Dr. Robert Sapolsky at Standford. He has done a lot of research on Baboons and has been quoted as saying Baboons are smarter than chimps. IN YOUR FACE YOU PEOPLE CLOTHES WEARING PUDS!! FUCK Y'ALL!! I have considered heading west to find him.

Another possibility is heading up north into Wyoming or the Dakotas. I only have a short window to make my decision. I don't know how much longer I can stay here. I expect to leave this weekend.

I will keep you more up to date than I have been. Sorry Polyglot.
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 1:19 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 5/18/2003 ::
Sunday. The day of rest, according to sape religion. I have been resting for several days. My trip over the Sangre De Cristo mountains took a lot out of me. I have been taken residence in what appears to be a ranch for sale. The house, barn and so forth is deserted, but in pristine show condition. Needless to say I have been enjoying the cushy beds and chairs after almost 2 weeks in the wilderness. I have planned my escape if anybody turns up. It would nice to be able to stay forever.

The ranch is at the northern end of Colorado's San Luis Valley, about ten miles west of the Sangre De Cristo and 15 miles east of the San Juan mountains. I am on the outer edge of a town called Moffatt. My stop in San Luis was very brief. I managed to sneak on to a poultry truck, snag some lunch and hitch a ride here.

Thanks to all of you who emailed me, showing concern for my well being. Hooking up with the kind folks at Boundary Waters Media has really helped me get my story out. In response to one particular inquiry, no I never got any "Boontang". The chances of me bumping into ...or rather humping into... another baboon, let alone a female, are hella small. I have also received several cryptic emails from people asking my exact position and offering assistance. Either headhunters from The Facility have found the site or somebody wants some baboon hand ashtrays. If you are a concerned reader, please understand my unwillingness to accept your offer.

I have been chatting online a lot with various people. I exchanged some emails with a lady I met at Adult Friend Finder (which seemed like a perfect way to meet some intelligent sapes). Whooooo. Did she say some filthy things. I can't believe you sapes can do all those things. Or WOULD for that matter. I also spent some time discussing the announcement that Chewbacca (?) will be appearing in Episode 3 (whatever the hell that means) with somebody named Fett71. It appeared to be big news but Fett seemed assured that it would suck anyway. But he was excited. When I devulged that I had no idea what he was talking about, Fett began typing in all caps and called me a "scruffy-looking Nerf Herder". I then looked up Nerf Herder and found out that they are a band and they are rumored to be appearing in the last epsiode of something called BtVS. I did finally look up Chewbacca and discovered what this guy was talking about.

That much passion and thought put into a movie. I will admit though, I may be a baboon but even I could tell that Jar Jar Binks was a fist in the ass to all free thinking creatures.

I'm off to toss a little poop and take a nap in my hijacked bed. Later!
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 3:31 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 5/14/2003 ::
Me so freakin' horny!!!

Okay, look. I don't mean to be crude, but I am a baboon and it is spring. One of...actually the only nice thing about time in The Facility was the strictly regimented "mating" program. It was done to keep us more docile, I suppose. Sometimes it was for breeding purposes, mostly though, I think it was to keep us from acting up. I was paired with beautiful "girlboon" named Carmel. I would have brought her with me if it hadn't been so dangerous. I don't think I loved her, intellectually we were at opposite ends of the spectrum. But MAN she was hot. That furry little ho would present herself for mounting and I would go crazy. I don't know if any of you sapes have ever watched Baboons have sex, it's very fierce and quick. So, it was ultimately unsatisfying but Carmel and I did enjoy some snuggling time. The coversation was a dud, but we didn't need it.

So here I sit, goin' crazy wit da horny! And yes I have the ability to...ease the situation. Which brings up something else. I would like to take issue with boysapes calling masturbation "Spanking The Monkey". Apart from the inherent violence in that name...when did "Monkey" become synonymous with "Penis". It's just another, very subtle expression of sape "dominion" over the animalkind. I will agree that my brothers and sisters in Monkeyhood are not the only ones who have been ejacufied. Snakes and dolphins often seem to receive the same type of phallic attention.

Of course I am only lobbying for Primates. If you MUST use animal euphemisms, I have some suggestions: "Jigglin' The Squid", "Pump the Penguin", "The Lion Shwing!", "Wilde my Beast", "Jack Rabbit", "Slappin' the Salamander"...these are just some suggestions. If anybody else has any, please email them to me at . I will be sure to post it. And remember NO MONKEYTALK!! Which brings up why there is a negative stigma about Monkey Business...but I will save that for later.

So I have made it, I believe into Colorado. I am not certain as I have headed deeper into the Sangre de Cristo (Blood of Christ) Mountains and they don't post "Welcome to Colorado" signs up here. I need to get myself a GPS so I can locate exactly where I am. By stolen ride and walking I made my way up through Taos and Questa before turning east into the mountains. Once into the hills I headed north to cross the border into CO. My next stop should be San Luis, Colorado.

So, I am off. Dreaming of Carmel and heading into Colorado, land of free baboons.
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 10:10 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 5/12/2003 ::
I know it has been a few days since I wrote, which I'm certain concerned you as the last thing I said is that I was going to make a run for it.

I did make a run for it. And I am alive. There are two major industries in Winston, cattle ranching and the mining of Zeolites. Zeolites are volcanic ash that has been pressed into rocks, from what I can tell. The Diamond Bar is frequented by drivers hauling zeolite. On Friday morning I "hitched a ride" with one of the trucks. The driver followed Interstate 25 north to Santa Fe and I dropped out at a truck stop there. I walked, ran and grabbed cars where I could. I have been following the Rio Grande North to Colorado, which brings me dangerously close to Los Alamos, but It's the best way for me to travel.

I am currently hunkered down in Espanola, NM. I am a half day's walk south of the fork where the Rio Grande and the Chama rivers meet and flow south. If I manage to find transportation, I could easily be in Colorado by tomorrow night.

I have, so far, no had any near misses with the military, or actually with any sapes. None of you seem to pay that much attention. Maybe it's just how beautiful the landscape is here or the fact that the sapes I have seen are too busy listening to their radios, but I haven't even been looked at funny.

Well, I need to pack up and go. I have become fascinated with cheeseburgers and sapes leave a lot of cheeseburgers behind. Man, if you only new how good these things were. If these were ever fed to my unaugemented brothers, they would kill you for more. Enjoy them. They sure beat the shit out of grubs and ants.

Wish me luck.
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 10:11 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 5/08/2003 ::
Day three comes to an end. I am still trapped on top of the Diamond Bar. I have got to leave soon. I'm getting very hungry. But it has been nice to rest after those first few days on the run. There is a party in the beer garden below. So I spent my day tryng to stay as shaded as possible. I did nip down to the garbage can for a bite to eat. Microwave burrito leavings. Yuck.

After some more surfing today I coined a term. Sapes. This is my term for you homo sapiens. Sapes. I enjoy that. It puts you back in your place. Christ. A little erection and you think you own the planet. Planet of the sapes.

In four hours online I have seen the best and worst in you sapes. A child in Canada who works tirelessly to provide clean drinking water for impoverished nations and MILF Hunter. Guess which one gets more hits. Which I guess is fine. It's all about freedom of choice. I have yet to find a good monkey porn site. But I'm sure it's out there. Somewhere. Drifting like debris on the waters of the net. I did find however a Monkey Club. Sapes who love us cute little monkeys and like to draw them on their text books. Well chimps. Sapes like chimps. ESPECIALLY chimps in people clothes. Fuck us baboons.

Let me tell you something. The chimps I've known in my life, all whiney bitches. Bitch chimps all of them. HAHA look at that chimp. He sniffed his finger and fell out of a tree. Look at that chimp he flapped his lips and an actor provided his voice. Not a single break out baboon that I have managed to find. What? Our snouts are too long? Our hair too frizzy? Our butts show? What the hell is wrong with us? I know what it is...we refuse to whore ourselves out to THE MAN. We refuse to put on a suit and Lancelot Link for you sapes.

Sorry. I promised myself when I started this blog it wouldn't be a political soapbox. Oh well. I'm tired, hungry, cranky and am dying to get the hell out of here. Tomorrow, lions or no lions...I'm getting out of here.
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 12:24 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
:: 5/06/2003 ::
So for the last 24 hours I have been trapped on the roof of the Diamond Bar in Winston, New Mexico. Several mountain lions chased me up here last night. I'm waiting for one of locals to take them out before I move on. It's late and fairly cold and the coyotes know I'm up here. There's nothing in this damn town. So I have been charging the LT with some borrowed power from the bar.

The real problem I am having is how to travel quickly with this freaking computer. There's no point in lifting a napsack, I've got no freaking shoulders. Currently I have to carry the damn thing like some insecure 14 year old girl. Try running at full speed like that with a freaking lion on your ass. Especially when your ass is meaty and pink and shiny like mine. I might as well have a neon "Hey Lion Like My Ass?" beer sign duct taped to my rear.

So I have spent much of the day surfing, trying to get into the groove of the modern world. All I really had was the research people at The Facility. I keep trying to find out who Clay is and why I should vote for him. Is he a politician? I have read as many news sites as I can and I am becoming proficient in both cyberglyphics :) ;) :o *g* and those freakin' IM acronyms rotflmao, lol . I have created a few of my own: NRPABILAP (not really paying attention because I'm looking at porn) , IMMBSDH (Instant Massage my ball sack, dick hole) and my favorite LMAOBYDKIAB (laughing my ass off because you don't know I'm a baboon).

So, time to sleep. Hopefully I can make a break for it in the morning. Good night world.
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 11:46 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::

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