:: Monkey with a Laptop ::

:: 5/29/2003 ::

Believe it or not I have found something about sapes I absolutely love. Flirting. I really believe that is what separates you animaldom. Baboons, cows and zebras can't bat their eyes across a crowded room. Neither can bats for that matter. With us it's all about the humpty hump. On the evolutionary scale, flirting is advanced. Just enjoying the abstract possibility of sex. Well done, sapes. Bravo.

See, I can give credit where credit is due.

While I lack the ability to give the physical signals that sapes use to flirt, I have recently been able to enjoy the intellectual, online variety. Sapes have even gone so far as to create websites that help them imporve their flirting technique. Flirting.com is a site dedicated to the art of flirting. It does seem to be a girlsape thing. And I think that all comes from the fact that y'all once swung in the trees. Flirting is an advanced form of "presenting". Zoologist Desmond Morris covers some of this in his book The Naked Ape. A good book. One of the okay sapes at The Facility, a young guy named Toby (who used to shampoo me) would read to me to stay awake on overnight shifts.

So I have started flirting online. I feel a little dirty flirting with creatures of a different species. So would they, if they knew. I spent a good deal of time trading quips with hunnyhugger920. I do believe she made me blush. Not that you could tell through my frizz, but she was a very sweet girl. Unlike some of the girlsapes I have hooked up with she didn't ask me if I wanted to "Cyber". I did it once or twice. Cybering for me was unsuccessful. It went something like this.

chestylarue: Mmmmm it's so big. I have to use both hands.

runko: What are you talking about?

chestylarue: That big third leg of yours.

runko: I'm sorry. I think you're confused. I don't have three legs.

chestylarue: *moans* Tell me how we do it.

runko: *jumps up and down and throws crap* I jump up and down and throw crap, followed by the requisite penile display common to my species. This is to show you I am dominant. You present yourself for mounting. I run down the hill and penetrate for a good 25 or thirty seconds. After which I groom you.

chestylarue: uh...k

Not terribly successful. I prefer flirting.

For those of you tracking me, I am southeast of Denver near a town called Limon. I will be shooting north soon.

Later, runko
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 11:46 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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So I am back on the run with my Toro utility vehicle. I am now covering much more ground than I was. I have decided to head north into Wyoming. I know that my vehicle won't make it over the big parts of the mountains going that way, so I am trying to stay in the lower country. I managed to scrape together some food and some supplies on the way. I am travelling mostly at night and hiding during the day.

I have, however, found a travelling companion. A rabbit I have named Carl is now travelling with me. He's not genetically altered or anything. It's just nice to have the company. And NO for you sickos out there, Carl hasn't received a monkey hump! In fact when my food runs out, Carl should keep me alive for a few days. Unlike some sapes I've read about I don't tend to stick my boonstick in things I might eat.

I haven't had much time to surf lately. I have been visiting a few blogs and some news sites. Still no luck on finding a nice, graphic "Baboon Mating Habits" website. I know this was a long weekend for Amerisapes. Traffic seemed unusually high here in the foot hills. Lots of humans escaping their lives for a few hours. Trying living out here. You'll see how quick you go running back to your lattes and X-Boxes. To be fair, I understand the need for freedom. It took me a while.

See, I was born in captivity. My parents Bonnet and Jackson Browne (again names given by the dorks at the facility) however were not. Once in a while I would notice them staring into nothingness, possibly with images and incomplete thoughts about their time in the wild. I hope I am making my parents proud. Unfortunately, because they themselves were not augmented, they have probably already forgotten me. You'd be surprised how fresh fruit and regular sex can cloud your mind.

Maybe it's the fact that I'm a fugitive. That I have to avoid sapes that makes this all suck like Detroit crack whore (I don't know what that means really. I saw it on a message board about The Matrix: Reloaded. I just like the way it sounds.) Maybe if my freedom wasn't so stressful, I could enjoy sleeping under the stars, scaring cattle and tooling around the mountains in a vehicle made for a golf course.

As I write this Carl is asleep in the rear. I have swiped some gas from a truck stop. Truck drivers are so wired that I figure they see monkeys running across the interstate all the time. They just ignore it.

I promise I will write again soon. And please...if you are going to post to my message board and scold me for not posting enough, please avoid making comments about my ass. I'm really, really sensative about it. I'm trying to find some pants. Really.

Later, runko
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 10:08 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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What can I say? I'm sorry. But cut me some slack. I have been able to rest and plot my next move.

Time here on the ranch has been really smooth. With the exception of last Tuesday when a realtor showed up with two potential customers. I managed to avoid them but it was a little too close and I realized that it will soon be time to move on. Their visit did clue me in to an important piece of information that I can use to my advantage. Part of the deal for this house is that it comes with a Toro Workman mid duty. Just to give you some idea, go here. After the buyers left I went out to the barn. It's there. And it's got a full tank of gas. Plus it's got room for supplies.

When it's time to go...this monkey will be riding a Toro!

I have discovered a champion for Baboons. Dr. Robert Sapolsky at Standford. He has done a lot of research on Baboons and has been quoted as saying Baboons are smarter than chimps. IN YOUR FACE YOU PEOPLE CLOTHES WEARING PUDS!! FUCK Y'ALL!! I have considered heading west to find him.

Another possibility is heading up north into Wyoming or the Dakotas. I only have a short window to make my decision. I don't know how much longer I can stay here. I expect to leave this weekend.

I will keep you more up to date than I have been. Sorry Polyglot.
runko
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 1:19 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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Sunday. The day of rest, according to sape religion. I have been resting for several days. My trip over the Sangre De Cristo mountains took a lot out of me. I have been taken residence in what appears to be a ranch for sale. The house, barn and so forth is deserted, but in pristine show condition. Needless to say I have been enjoying the cushy beds and chairs after almost 2 weeks in the wilderness. I have planned my escape if anybody turns up. It would nice to be able to stay forever.

The ranch is at the northern end of Colorado's San Luis Valley, about ten miles west of the Sangre De Cristo and 15 miles east of the San Juan mountains. I am on the outer edge of a town called Moffatt. My stop in San Luis was very brief. I managed to sneak on to a poultry truck, snag some lunch and hitch a ride here.

Thanks to all of you who emailed me, showing concern for my well being. Hooking up with the kind folks at Boundary Waters Media has really helped me get my story out. In response to one particular inquiry, no I never got any "Boontang". The chances of me bumping into ...or rather humping into... another baboon, let alone a female, are hella small. I have also received several cryptic emails from people asking my exact position and offering assistance. Either headhunters from The Facility have found the site or somebody wants some baboon hand ashtrays. If you are a concerned reader, please understand my unwillingness to accept your offer.

I have been chatting online a lot with various people. I exchanged some emails with a lady I met at Adult Friend Finder (which seemed like a perfect way to meet some intelligent sapes). Whooooo. Did she say some filthy things. I can't believe you sapes can do all those things. Or WOULD for that matter. I also spent some time discussing the announcement that Chewbacca (?) will be appearing in Episode 3 (whatever the hell that means) with somebody named Fett71. It appeared to be big news but Fett seemed assured that it would suck anyway. But he was excited. When I devulged that I had no idea what he was talking about, Fett began typing in all caps and called me a "scruffy-looking Nerf Herder". I then looked up Nerf Herder and found out that they are a band and they are rumored to be appearing in the last epsiode of something called BtVS. I did finally look up Chewbacca and discovered what this guy was talking about.

That much passion and thought put into a movie. I will admit though, I may be a baboon but even I could tell that Jar Jar Binks was a fist in the ass to all free thinking creatures.

I'm off to toss a little poop and take a nap in my hijacked bed. Later!
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 3:31 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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Me so freakin' horny!!!

Okay, look. I don't mean to be crude, but I am a baboon and it is spring. One of...actually the only nice thing about time in The Facility was the strictly regimented "mating" program. It was done to keep us more docile, I suppose. Sometimes it was for breeding purposes, mostly though, I think it was to keep us from acting up. I was paired with beautiful "girlboon" named Carmel. I would have brought her with me if it hadn't been so dangerous. I don't think I loved her, intellectually we were at opposite ends of the spectrum. But MAN she was hot. That furry little ho would present herself for mounting and I would go crazy. I don't know if any of you sapes have ever watched Baboons have sex, it's very fierce and quick. So, it was ultimately unsatisfying but Carmel and I did enjoy some snuggling time. The coversation was a dud, but we didn't need it.

So here I sit, goin' crazy wit da horny! And yes I have the ability to...ease the situation. Which brings up something else. I would like to take issue with boysapes calling masturbation "Spanking The Monkey". Apart from the inherent violence in that name...when did "Monkey" become synonymous with "Penis". It's just another, very subtle expression of sape "dominion" over the animalkind. I will agree that my brothers and sisters in Monkeyhood are not the only ones who have been ejacufied. Snakes and dolphins often seem to receive the same type of phallic attention.

Of course I am only lobbying for Primates. If you MUST use animal euphemisms, I have some suggestions: "Jigglin' The Squid", "Pump the Penguin", "The Lion Shwing!", "Wilde my Beast", "Jack Rabbit", "Slappin' the Salamander"...these are just some suggestions. If anybody else has any, please email them to me at runko@bwatersmedia.com . I will be sure to post it. And remember NO MONKEYTALK!! Which brings up why there is a negative stigma about Monkey Business...but I will save that for later.

So I have made it, I believe into Colorado. I am not certain as I have headed deeper into the Sangre de Cristo (Blood of Christ) Mountains and they don't post "Welcome to Colorado" signs up here. I need to get myself a GPS so I can locate exactly where I am. By stolen ride and walking I made my way up through Taos and Questa before turning east into the mountains. Once into the hills I headed north to cross the border into CO. My next stop should be San Luis, Colorado.

So, I am off. Dreaming of Carmel and heading into Colorado, land of free baboons.
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 10:10 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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I know it has been a few days since I wrote, which I'm certain concerned you as the last thing I said is that I was going to make a run for it.

I did make a run for it. And I am alive. There are two major industries in Winston, cattle ranching and the mining of Zeolites. Zeolites are volcanic ash that has been pressed into rocks, from what I can tell. The Diamond Bar is frequented by drivers hauling zeolite. On Friday morning I "hitched a ride" with one of the trucks. The driver followed Interstate 25 north to Santa Fe and I dropped out at a truck stop there. I walked, ran and grabbed cars where I could. I have been following the Rio Grande North to Colorado, which brings me dangerously close to Los Alamos, but It's the best way for me to travel.

I am currently hunkered down in Espanola, NM. I am a half day's walk south of the fork where the Rio Grande and the Chama rivers meet and flow south. If I manage to find transportation, I could easily be in Colorado by tomorrow night.

I have, so far, no had any near misses with the military, or actually with any sapes. None of you seem to pay that much attention. Maybe it's just how beautiful the landscape is here or the fact that the sapes I have seen are too busy listening to their radios, but I haven't even been looked at funny.

Well, I need to pack up and go. I have become fascinated with cheeseburgers and sapes leave a lot of cheeseburgers behind. Man, if you only new how good these things were. If these were ever fed to my unaugemented brothers, they would kill you for more. Enjoy them. They sure beat the shit out of grubs and ants.

Wish me luck.
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 10:11 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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Day three comes to an end. I am still trapped on top of the Diamond Bar. I have got to leave soon. I'm getting very hungry. But it has been nice to rest after those first few days on the run. There is a party in the beer garden below. So I spent my day tryng to stay as shaded as possible. I did nip down to the garbage can for a bite to eat. Microwave burrito leavings. Yuck.

After some more surfing today I coined a term. Sapes. This is my term for you homo sapiens. Sapes. I enjoy that. It puts you back in your place. Christ. A little erection and you think you own the planet. Planet of the sapes.

In four hours online I have seen the best and worst in you sapes. A child in Canada who works tirelessly to provide clean drinking water for impoverished nations and MILF Hunter. Guess which one gets more hits. Which I guess is fine. It's all about freedom of choice. I have yet to find a good monkey porn site. But I'm sure it's out there. Somewhere. Drifting like debris on the waters of the net. I did find however a Monkey Club. Sapes who love us cute little monkeys and like to draw them on their text books. Well chimps. Sapes like chimps. ESPECIALLY chimps in people clothes. Fuck us baboons.

Let me tell you something. The chimps I've known in my life, all whiney bitches. Bitch chimps all of them. HAHA look at that chimp. He sniffed his finger and fell out of a tree. Look at that chimp he flapped his lips and an actor provided his voice. Not a single break out baboon that I have managed to find. What? Our snouts are too long? Our hair too frizzy? Our butts show? What the hell is wrong with us? I know what it is...we refuse to whore ourselves out to THE MAN. We refuse to put on a suit and Lancelot Link for you sapes.

Sorry. I promised myself when I started this blog it wouldn't be a political soapbox. Oh well. I'm tired, hungry, cranky and am dying to get the hell out of here. Tomorrow, lions or no lions...I'm getting out of here.
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 12:24 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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So for the last 24 hours I have been trapped on the roof of the Diamond Bar in Winston, New Mexico. Several mountain lions chased me up here last night. I'm waiting for one of locals to take them out before I move on. It's late and fairly cold and the coyotes know I'm up here. There's nothing in this damn town. So I have been charging the LT with some borrowed power from the bar.

The real problem I am having is how to travel quickly with this freaking computer. There's no point in lifting a napsack, I've got no freaking shoulders. Currently I have to carry the damn thing like some insecure 14 year old girl. Try running at full speed like that with a freaking lion on your ass. Especially when your ass is meaty and pink and shiny like mine. I might as well have a neon "Hey Lion Like My Ass?" beer sign duct taped to my rear.

So I have spent much of the day surfing, trying to get into the groove of the modern world. All I really had was the research people at The Facility. I keep trying to find out who Clay is and why I should vote for him. Is he a politician? I have read as many news sites as I can and I am becoming proficient in both cyberglyphics :) ;) :o *g* and those freakin' IM acronyms rotflmao, lol . I have created a few of my own: NRPABILAP (not really paying attention because I'm looking at porn) , IMMBSDH (Instant Massage my ball sack, dick hole) and my favorite LMAOBYDKIAB (laughing my ass off because you don't know I'm a baboon).

So, time to sleep. Hopefully I can make a break for it in the morning. Good night world.
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 11:46 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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Testing. I'm still getting the hang of this dang blogging thing. Like I don't have enough to worry about without having to learn this crap. Light years beyond others of my species and I still have trouble with simple web publishing tools.
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 8:24 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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I have been on the run for two days now. This is the first chance I have had to try to communicate with the outside world. I have escaped from a secret military facility in New Mexico. While government procedures have increased my intelligence and given me the ability to write, I still cannot speak. I will never be able to blend into human society. To most who see me I am still a bare-ass Yellow Baboon. I'd kill for some pants. One of the down sides of genetically increased intelligence is shame. I feel a little safer now that I am 2 days away from the facility. I even had time to toss a little crap around this morning. (What can I say...I am still a baboon. Dung flinging is fun. Genetic augmentation can't change that.) I actually think humans would generally be happier if they tossed their own waste. I'll write my congress man or woman about that.

I have taken the name Runko. It feels good in my head. I like the sound of it. Runko. Plus it's a shitload better than what they called me back at the Facility: Mr. Gibblets. Anyhoo, it's time to power down this sweet-ass, four finger/opposable thumb discount laptop and hit the road. I am heading north to Colorado. I won't feel completely safe until I am out of New Mexico.


:: Eric Peter Schwartz 4:20 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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