:: Monkey with a Laptop ::

:: 12/28/2004 ::

Why is the fucking internet attacking me?!?!

Before I start talking about this I want to forewarn any MAC using sunuvabitch who might feel like popping up and spouting off a bunch of unsolicited MAC ad-talk. Yes. I get it. MAC rules. Fuck you. I stole what I could steal. Now sit back down in your cubicle and fidget with your nuts while mumbling about Steven Jobs. You and the fuckin' Trekkies can suck my jungle loin.

Anyway, I have been slammed by this CoolWebSearch adware. I have downloaded every free spybot and adware remover, scrubber, cleanser, polisher and jacker I could find and nothing gets rid of it. I don't know who the shit guzzling sape was that designed this but I hope that somebody ties you down on a table sideways and allows a trickle of acid drip and burn a hole through one ass cheek and then through the other. Over several weeks you will be kept alive and forcefed antibiotics to keep the infection away but your keeper will keep reopening the wound with a mechanical pencil. Every Wednesday Southern Comfort will be poured through the tunnel created through your assfat. Then they will release you naked into a Comp USA and unwitting, casual computer users who have been frustrated and given high blood pressure by your creation can take turns whipping your supple, naked flesh with modem cords.

Now that I have vented, let me appeal to your higher brain functions. You are a terrorist. You got a pretty penny to design and constantly upgrade your adware. You're not even on the same level as some virus creating anarchist. In their own twisted way they are fighting the system. Not you. You create invasive, unwanted shit to push cell phones and trips to Barbados. You are scum. You're the lawyer who crashes a funeral. You're sape filth and I hope your friends find out what you do and abandon you.

Happy fucking New Year.

runko



:: Eric Peter Schwartz 3:58 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
...

It has crept in like a stealthy assassin. It slipped into the gaps between things. Now it is in complete control of everything but the masses seem oblivious. While critics and a huge section of the general population and screaming their heads off about the stupidity of reality shows and the GLUT there of... something has quietly taken control of the airwaves... LIST SHOWS.

It was as if I fell asleep for 12 hours and woke up to find 90% of my television involve Michael Ian Black riffing on something. Just enough riffing to show he doesn't know DICK about it. And here's the worst part... I love it. As America quickly grows tired of watching attention starved sapes swill down liquified rat or get fired or have their singing ridiculed... some of us are falling in love with watching low and mid level celebrities ruminate on everything in entertainment.

It all seems to have come from the incredibly successful I LOVE THE 80's VH-1 franchise which spawed I lOVE the 70's , I love the 90's , I love the Plague Years, I really loved 1989 and (the one I'm waiting for) I loved The Reconstruction Period. VH-1 and nearly everybody else on the planet suddenly realized that you can shoot an entire series over the weekend and if you're good TWO series. How hard is it to get former MTV VJ Kennedy to sit down, throw a bunch of names, titles and concepts at her, record her responses and then keep only the good 15 comments (if she makes that many). Brilliant. Mr. or Ms "I Love" should win the Nobel Prize for Discovering the obvious.

So now all the networks or stations or what-ever-the-fuck you call them are doing it. Bravo, CMT, TNT, E, VH-1, TV Land. To top it off there is a group of about 12 celebrities who are in ALL OF THEM. On any given Sunday I can flip channels and see Hal Fuckin' Sparks on every other channel. Shit even the Iraq invasion last year was only on a dozen channels.

And here is where the genius of these shows really shines. I mean really. I'm not even giving you the reach around on this... you get NO INFORMATION. Really. You learn nothing. Hmmmmm looks like Biography. Shot like a documentary. WOAH!! I have just spent an hour listening to sarcasm, nostalgia and a bunch of commercials. Holy shit! Honest to God, no fucking around, more more more... brain candy. There's no pathos, ethos, emotion, motivation, shit even the lighting is iffy. I could edit one of these things together... it's really and truly NOTHING. Sound and fury signifying DICK! It is time filler. It's beautiful.

So, I have fallen in love with this new... thing. This quiet, unobtrusive monster that is now squatting over television's face making it suck its balls. I want more. More than that... I want to be on it. I want to have my soundbites added to the mix. Cripes! If only I could talk. If only I could watch my long, mate entralling snout appear on screen just after Mo Rocca and just before Rob Zombie. Then my evolution would be complete. Then I could die a happy boon.



:: Eric Peter Schwartz 3:49 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
...