:: Monkey with a Laptop ::

:: 6/27/2003 ::

Okay so two of the big news stories that I have been reading about are the RIAA (Recording Industry Assoc. America) will now be checking out your shared files on KaZaa and suing you if they think you have too many. From $750 to $150 G's PER SONG!! WOW. This means that I could ...well Dr. Tibedeaux from the facility could be liable for millions of dollars. I am currently logged in and BEGGING the RIAA to come take a look. I'd love to see that electrode ramming cocksucker taken to the cleaners. What's he going to say? A monkey did it? Then he'd have to come clean about Project Infinite Monkey and I could come out of hiding. Either way, as long as Tibedeaux's colon stings, I'm good.

Speaking of colonic stinging...the other big news story is that the Supreme Court ruled that anti-sodomy laws are unconstitutional. They handed down the "dick up" ruling in a flurry of pre-vacation activity this week. Good. Not much else to say. I guess this means that the RIAA trying to recoup lost money from albums they shaft artists for is legal.

I don't think that what the RIAA is doing is wrong. It's just a pain. If people had just kept their mouths shut, this wouldn't be a problem. Like all things that start out as a good idea or with the best of intentions, abuse and greed have turned it to shit and now the courts will be getting involved. File sharing is a wonderful idea. In the old days with Napster I would hear Toby (my half wit twentysomething handler) talk about what a paradise it was. Music lovers sharing music. Like handing an album to a stranger and saying "you gotta hear this". Then the fucking teensapes got involved. It wasn't about listening to new things anymore. Now it was about getting whole albums for free. So here I sit, afraid of litigation and unable to look around, download a track here and there and experience new music. Why? Childsapes abused it until it could no longer be abused. Now we have an organization created to protect the rights of artists and the industry having to turn into witch hunters, using scare tactics and suing their CUSTOMERS.

Again, a giant ass fuck circle with the 'boon getting the big shaft as last in line.

So now I go back to mp3.com and Soundclick and IUMA and all these other sites. There is wonderful unknown music there for free. It's legal! Artists who create, post and hope are putting it all out there. That's the actual paradise. Fuck the P2P shit. Here is the real commune. Literally millions of artists standing on a virtual street corner busking for you. Fuck the labels. Fuck the industry. Fuck the song theives. Boycott the whole business and give some real artists a hand.

Hear endeth the Boon box.

Yes, for those of you who asked, I experienced my first hangover. Big time. As I told my buddy Derek in the forum, I felt as though my head had been pulled through the vagina of a gerbil, without hurting the gerbil. It took a few days for the haze to clear. But I am back in the swing. I am still enjoying Cozad Nebraska. I have been here for a while and still no sign of Infinite Monkey or that freak the Count (who I found out is now sharing webspace with me at http://www.bwatersmedia.com .

I'm not sure when I will move on. I've been firing up the Toro at night, jsut to make sure it's still running. I'm enjoying it here.

So, I am off. Talk to you all soon. Bark at me in my forum!! I love to hear from you sapes. And for chrissakes...go listen to something you've never heard before!!!
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 1:36 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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*sings* Saturday night/and I ain't got no monkey

Okay...SAPES! Well done. Well done!!! Did I say welllll done? In one of my trips into Cozad to lift some grub (well food. I could only wish for grubs) I found a box of cans. They said beer. since I havsd beem tryingy to understand you more...i darnk them.

First...YUCK!! I almost didn't finish the firstcan. Then I alost didn't finish the second. But I realized that these are sold in boxes of 12 (24 wuz hella heavy_). So you must drink alot of them. As we say in the aminal kingdom...when in an elephant graveyard, do as the elepants do. So here I am 7 cans laaattter!!!

I learned something as the insid eof this drain pipe started to spin. lYou sapes really understand sacrifice. Your willing to drink something that tastes like this in order to
'cheive a feeling like this. I appauld you. WEll done.

I think I'm going to go now. I have a bag of salt and vinegar chips and I'm going to eat them. Then I will probably fall asleepo. In this state I have to say, I really thhnink I'm startign to like sapes. And a big shout out to all my homeys at Infintine Monkey/ "SUP!" Pouring one out on the toro for all my boons who didn';t make it to the show.

And g'night Percy. Wherever you are. You're cracking me up bro. Checked out your site on bwaters! HAHAHAHAHA Even you can't bug me tonight.
r-ko
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 12:08 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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A bit of a rainy day in Cozad. I think I really like it here. I have yet to venture in to town, instead I have been getting to know the folks here through their website. I suppose this is America at its most American. A small town of less than 5000, proud and wanting to tell their story. And here I am, kicking back on the edges of town, preferring to read about it online than going and participating in it. Perhaps I am more sape than I like to admit. Is it possible that every one likes to watch, because participating could lead to failure and embarrassment. It's not that I am ashamed of being a monkey. Not at all. It's just...well...frankly I wish I could blend in with these sapes. Just for a day. Talk to them. Shake their hand. I guess my anger at Project Infinite Monkey stems from the fact they did this to me. They jiggled my helix. They cursed me with this understanding. Ignorance is bliss...and my augmented intelligence is a pain in my shiney pink ass. All I can do is go online and bark at the world. Angry at my creator because I was given the understanding and set loose into the world. More sape than I know...

Sorry to be a downer today. It's gray out and I have been thinking about Carmel and Carl and my folks. Strange...to think how far I have come.

So I am looking into speech programs that would allow me to type and speak like Stephen Hawking. Something that would translate my typed messages into speech. Then perhaps I could actually converse with sapes. Make phone calls. Order pizza. Order custom pants that will cover my boontay. I have decided that it is my quest to assimilate myself into the world. The only capable ambassador of animalkind in a world full of sapes. I know there are mountains to climb, but I have been looking at the state of the technology, and I think it's doable. Hard, but not impossible.

One of the programs I have been looking at is the Hybrid Orator 2. If anybody out there has any suggestions, please let me know in my forum (above). And just ignore this Count Percy freak.

After I find the program, I then have the task of learning customs and showing sapes that I am not a threat. Like all creatures, sapes work more off visual clues. Unfortunately most of the clues are based on different musculature than I possess. Which is probably why so many sapes kneel and suck shaft at the altar of the chimp. Chimps are much better at copying human visual clues. Needless to say, I have an uphill battle. I will need a job. I will need a place to live and shelter. I need to avoid sape do-gooders because I could cozy up to one of those sandal wearing mother fuckers and find myself on a plane to a baboon refuge in Africa. Yeah. That's what I want. To sit near a tree, shaking my head at the unfortunate stupidity ingrained in 99.9999999% of my kind for the rest of my life. Not their fault. I just don't know if I could handle it. I need a loft apartment with a DVD player, a broadband connection and a Gold's Gym membership.

Thanks for letting this boon vent. As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts and suggestions in my forum. I'm going to give the Toro a rest today. If I go anywhere, I'll go on foot. Not sure when I'll move on. For now, I am making Cozad by temporary home.







:: Eric Peter Schwartz 10:35 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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The dark side of the net has reared its ugly head. I have been contacted by a whacko named Count Percy. He asked for a brain sample for an experiment into regenerating dead tomato plants and creating zombie lawn-care professionals. You can see the message in my forum above. When I declined he vowed to hunt me down and take it by force. Great. Just what I need. Another maniac Sape on my ass. Can't a boon catch a break?

It's so flat here. I am probably tempting fate here by telling you that I am in Nebraska. It's quite a switch from the desert and wilderness of New Mexico and the mountains of Colorado. What a fascinating country. It makes me want to see more. Well, if nothing else, it makes me want to see anything other than Nebraska. I have stopped near the town of Cozad. Nice town. Check it out here

I have had no other contact with any Sapes. Which surprises me because I have become fairly brazen with my stealing. I actually think you people don't see things that don't directly affect you. Like your sape brains fuzz out other peoples concerns. Truck stops and farms are my main source of gasoline and food right now. The nights are still chilly and I miss Carl. He was warm. Christ, that's an understatement. He was a freaking space heater.

Anyway, I now have the creeps from Project Infinite Monkey and this mad jack off Count Percy tracking my movements. Oh well. Bring it on. Bring it all on. I've had my innards tazered with electrodes. Fuck anything else.

Fate? Consider yourself tempted.

:: Eric Peter Schwartz 3:32 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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Okay... Monkeypox. Thought I should jump on this before some pissed off fan posted to the messageboard blaming me. No I don't have monkeypox. NO I didn't jam a prarie dog in a fit of uncontrollable boon-heat. If you take the time to read the stories, monkeypox (that fucking name chaps my naked boon-tay) was brought here by...you guessed it. Some god damn sapes. Some sapes thought it would be great to sell exotic animals to rich, middle class suburbanites and as a result CNN and FOX news will spend the next 20 days speculating whether this was some bizarre terrorist plot. Weapons of Mass Distraction.

The monkeypox were carried by a Gambian rat, that it seems is also considered an exotic pet. It infected the prarie dogs that were then sold as pets. Great job!! Look, I really have nothing against sapes as a whole. I'd say that 96% of you do a great job. In fact I am typing on the creation of a string of brilliant sapes going back to mass producing the bible hundreds of years ago. It's just that 4% is so freaking LOUD!! Some other news today said that a guy in England calculated the odds of a sape-made or natural apocalypse hitting the earth as 50/50!! 50/50!!! It's idiot shit like this that can do that. Some bunghole in the 'burbs wants to get his goth-wishing 12 year old a Gambian rat, so they can connect and the dad's too busy cuttin' deals at the office and BOOM!! The Stand! Outbreak! Hot-Zone! This is how the world shall end...monkeypox.

And in the end, who gets the blame? THE MONKEYS!!! For we are filthy, supervirus carrying hellspawn. Not the rich guy who paid for it. Not the twenty-something who chucked the prarie dogs in with it. Not even the African street vendor who probably sold it. The Monkeys. They blame us for AIDS too. According to some, some sape in Africa got a little randy and plugged a monkey. That's not our fault.

Anyway, I'm just on a soapbox. I want to debunk this thing before it gets stupid. Debunko the baboon. That's me. The good news is only 1 to 10% of all monkeypox cases are fatal in sapes. (Fuck the monkeys who get it.) Sorry we couldn't provide a bigger threat or TV movie. Whichever this turns out to be. Anyway, the SARS marketing people won't let some little African disease steal the thunder from the Asian/Canadia meeting of the phlegm.

I really don't want to beat this to death, there are competing new "organizations" working to do the that. I just wanted to get this off my furry chest.

I still am keeping a low profile and won't reveal my exact location again for a while. The jags over at Project: Infinite Monkey have been quiet since last week. They are no doubt plotting their next move. I can say that I have left Colorado and with it Carl. My long eared friend left me for a little doe bunny who shook her ass at him. Rabbits are cute but I think my next sidekick is going to have to be a little higher on the evolutionary ladder. So I am now lone ape on the Toro-pole. I am covering much more ground at night and able to rest and relax a little more. No more hills and mountains to traverse. For the time being.

I did finally make contact with a sape a couple of nights ago. I ran out of food a couple of nights ago and decided it was time to raid the larder of a local farm house. I thought it was late enough. I managed to swipe a sackful of stuf, eggs and the like. As I was leaving the house I got cornered by a little boy with a flashlight. Thank the creator. Had it been an adult, animal control would have been coming the county for a baboon. Instead, some little ranch kid is being assured that there are no monkeys here.

Phew.

Anyway. More later. I am off to enjoy a few eggs. And please...don't pin every apocolypse on the monkeys. K?

later, runko
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 11:36 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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So, they have found me.

I now have confirmation that The Facility is monitoring my site. They have started communicating with me through my message board under the name Infinite Monkey. They even forced poor unaugmented Carmel to type me a message. Bastards. For a little while I will not be posting my location. At least until the heat is off. It's time to move a little faster than I was. With almost a week's travel since my last posting and track point, I do have the advantage. This baboon is not beaten yet. They can try to use their psychologic warfare on me. But it won't work. They don't realize that the shit they put me through in there steeled me. Made me resistant.

Carl and I have reached a place we feel comfortable. In fact I may not be able to coax Carl back to the "Boon-mobile" He has spent the last few hours running around a green valley meadow, mackin' on all the Colorado honeys er...bunnies. Perhaps this is where Carl and I will part company. Perhaps not. But we will have to move soon. I won't deny that the posting from The Facility has shaken me a bit. I thought I would have a little longer. I have yet to find out who sold me out. It was probably that pissy chess guy. Jag.

So I am refilling our water supply in a creek. It smells okay. Probably good. Food is running low, but we've been making due. It's been a little stormy but Carl and I are small and shelter is easy. Gassing up the toro is a little harder but we've managed so far.

So I will probably give it until later this afternoon, and then we're off. Hopefully it'll be WE. I have grown quite fond of Carl. I probably won't eat him. HAHAHAHA...how ironic...I have a pet.
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 1:54 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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