Monkey with a Laptop

:: Monkey with a Laptop ::

I am a genetically-augmented, highly intelligent Yellow Baboon. In 2003 I escaped from a secret military facility in New Mexico. I lifted this laptop on the way out.
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:: 12/02/2004 ::

It has crept in like a stealthy assassin. It slipped into the gaps between things. Now it is in complete control of everything but the masses seem oblivious. While critics and a huge section of the general population and screaming their heads off about the stupidity of reality shows and the GLUT there of... something has quietly taken control of the airwaves... LIST SHOWS.

It was as if I fell asleep for 12 hours and woke up to find 90% of my television involve Michael Ian Black riffing on something. Just enough riffing to show he doesn't know DICK about it. And here's the worst part... I love it. As America quickly grows tired of watching attention starved sapes swill down liquified rat or get fired or have their singing ridiculed... some of us are falling in love with watching low and mid level celebrities ruminate on everything in entertainment.

It all seems to have come from the incredibly successful I LOVE THE 80's VH-1 franchise which spawed I lOVE the 70's , I love the 90's , I love the Plague Years, I really loved 1989 and (the one I'm waiting for) I loved The Reconstruction Period. VH-1 and nearly everybody else on the planet suddenly realized that you can shoot an entire series over the weekend and if you're good TWO series. How hard is it to get former MTV VJ Kennedy to sit down, throw a bunch of names, titles and concepts at her, record her responses and then keep only the good 15 comments (if she makes that many). Brilliant. Mr. or Ms "I Love" should win the Nobel Prize for Discovering the obvious.

So now all the networks or stations or what-ever-the-fuck you call them are doing it. Bravo, CMT, TNT, E, VH-1, TV Land. To top it off there is a group of about 12 celebrities who are in ALL OF THEM. On any given Sunday I can flip channels and see Hal Fuckin' Sparks on every other channel. Shit even the Iraq invasion last year was only on a dozen channels.

And here is where the genius of these shows really shines. I mean really. I'm not even giving you the reach around on this... you get NO INFORMATION. Really. You learn nothing. Hmmmmm looks like Biography. Shot like a documentary. WOAH!! I have just spent an hour listening to sarcasm, nostalgia and a bunch of commercials. Holy shit! Honest to God, no fucking around, more more more... brain candy. There's no pathos, ethos, emotion, motivation, shit even the lighting is iffy. I could edit one of these things together... it's really and truly NOTHING. Sound and fury signifying DICK! It is time filler. It's beautiful.

So, I have fallen in love with this new... thing. This quiet, unobtrusive monster that is now squatting over television's face making it suck its balls. I want more. More than that... I want to be on it. I want to have my soundbites added to the mix. Cripes! If only I could talk. If only I could watch my long, mate entralling snout appear on screen just after Mo Rocca and just before Rob Zombie. Then my evolution would be complete. Then I could die a happy boon.

:: Eric Peter Schwartz 3:49 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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