Monkey with a Laptop

:: Monkey with a Laptop ::

I am a genetically-augmented, highly intelligent Yellow Baboon. In 2003 I escaped from a secret military facility in New Mexico. I lifted this laptop on the way out.
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:: 10/05/2004 ::

So...Ivan... fucker nearly killed me.

I'm here in the gulf coast area of Louisiana. Out in the swamp or the bayou or the bog...whatever the fuck you want to call it. I built myself a little shack and I am stealing power from some local lines. I have a beautiful little spot far away from prying eyes, but I can head over to Baton Rouge easy enough if I need something. The weather this last month nearly killed me. I got lucky. Lucky I was a monkey.

As the water levels rose, so did my shack. So I have returned to the trees and am living quite nicely in a tree house of my construction. That's it. That's all you need to know. I am east of Texas and west of Baton Rouge.

So I watched two boon movies back to back. How you may ask. Netflix bitch! It rocks. Anyway, the movies. Both feature boons prominently The Rundown starring the Rock and Lion King 1 1/2 (thich I've bitched about before). LK wasn't bad. Rafiki was again the crazy, weed smoking sage but we was nicely featured. I take back my preemptive disgust.

See, I can admit a mistake.

The Rundown on the other hand... There are two scenes with boons. Both feature slobbering, sex crazed boons running wild attacking sapes in the jungle. But because some boonwhore accepted the role of "monkey that craze-humps the Rock" people will no longer fear us because of large teeth or poor attitude. Healthy monkeyfear will be replaced by homophobia. It's bad enough that you'e being attacked by a feral baboon...but a humping, rutting gay monkey is terrifying. I'm ashamed of that baboon. Have some self respect. You're not a chimp for godsake.

They play it off as being about establishing dominance. It was, in fact, the most grotesque display of monksploitation I've seen. At least Kong got to feel up Jessica Lange romantically. Still a tender scene. Twas boobies killed the beast.

And I will admit, I have squeezed out a little boon gravy to Jessica Lange. She's got that come hither, do me silverback style look, even though she's screaming in horror. Wouldn't you, knowing that Kong wants to plug you with a member the size of a Chevy Caprice.

I'm not going to talk about the election. I am not going to talk about the election. I'm not going to talk about the election. Convinced. Please. Vote. That is all.

I will say this... I watched some of the debate. W came off looking like a ticked off 12 year old girl, clicking her tongue and saying "uhh... whatever...he totally voted to use force too!" the man just doesn't like to be questioned or called out in public. This is why he rarely, if ever hold press conferences. Sorry, Dub, you are the President and are accountable for your actions and your administrations actions in a public forum.

Kerry seems to have slightly more spark than Gore... he sucks less than dub. I wish I could vote. Anybody who wasn't planning to vote want to vote for me? I know. I know. You're still grossed out by the term BoonGravy. Well... fuck ya!

Anyway. More soon. I have missed our little chats. As I'm sure you have.


:: Eric Peter Schwartz 1:58 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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