Monkey with a Laptop


:: Monkey with a Laptop ::

I am a genetically-augmented, highly intelligent Yellow Baboon. In 2003 I escaped from a secret military facility in New Mexico. I lifted this laptop on the way out.
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:: 10/07/2004 ::

I have to admit... in the VP debate the other night I thought Cheney said fatchicks.com which lead me to all sorts of trouble. It was factcheck. com actually factcheck.org and even that was wrong. What irony. Dick should have checked his facts on factcheck. And speaking of "fat chick" websites. Why is this treated like another sape fetish? Like it's something twisted to enjoy femsapes of larger build. Like it's a deviance. This isn't like having a thing for feet or being shat upon... it's large woman. Just an observation.

One of the real powers of the internet is that it empowers nearly everybody and allows them to have their voice heard. Because everybody has access to this power of course means... that every shit TV show that gets whacked by TV execs will have a loud, crazed and nearly violent fan movement to save it.

Don't get me wrong, I know that TV execs are short sighted much of the time and quality entertainment is dumped for cheaper crappier television. But let's not forget, this is television. It's not like it's... the movies. (I'm kidding). Look, every TV show has somebody who likes it. But if it's not making money, or getting in viewers... your mail campaign won't mean a dick in the ear to execsapes. Soem people even prepare "Save Our Show" campaigns when the show is doing fine, just in case. And sometimes before the series debuts.

Look, if you have such fantastic organizational skills that you can launch a successful fan campaign (and some do succeed...I know of several very successful fan campaigns)... fuck FARSCAPE... turn your attention to politics or human rights or FUCK anything! If you can rally the troops around some buttfuck TV show, you could change the world.

I understand that Amerisapes love their entertainment. Not a bad thing. Quality art...and even not so quality titty fart entertainment is what has separated you from the lower of us beasts. And more power to you. Back when I was a regular monkey the worst thing to do was tyring to find some way to enjoyably kill time... thus the shit flinging. But let's get our priorities straight okay: The US version of Coupling was shit. Nearly everybody thought it was shit. The actors have moved on. So has the rest of the world. So get your head out of your ass and find a different show to obsess over. Put that energy into something useful.





:: Eric Peter Schwartz 1:21 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
...
:: 10/05/2004 ::
So...Ivan... fucker nearly killed me.

I'm here in the gulf coast area of Louisiana. Out in the swamp or the bayou or the bog...whatever the fuck you want to call it. I built myself a little shack and I am stealing power from some local lines. I have a beautiful little spot far away from prying eyes, but I can head over to Baton Rouge easy enough if I need something. The weather this last month nearly killed me. I got lucky. Lucky I was a monkey.

As the water levels rose, so did my shack. So I have returned to the trees and am living quite nicely in a tree house of my construction. That's it. That's all you need to know. I am east of Texas and west of Baton Rouge.

So I watched two boon movies back to back. How you may ask. Netflix bitch! It rocks. Anyway, the movies. Both feature boons prominently The Rundown starring the Rock and Lion King 1 1/2 (thich I've bitched about before). LK wasn't bad. Rafiki was again the crazy, weed smoking sage but we was nicely featured. I take back my preemptive disgust.

See, I can admit a mistake.

The Rundown on the other hand... There are two scenes with boons. Both feature slobbering, sex crazed boons running wild attacking sapes in the jungle. But because some boonwhore accepted the role of "monkey that craze-humps the Rock" people will no longer fear us because of large teeth or poor attitude. Healthy monkeyfear will be replaced by homophobia. It's bad enough that you'e being attacked by a feral baboon...but a humping, rutting gay monkey is terrifying. I'm ashamed of that baboon. Have some self respect. You're not a chimp for godsake.

They play it off as being about establishing dominance. It was, in fact, the most grotesque display of monksploitation I've seen. At least Kong got to feel up Jessica Lange romantically. Still a tender scene. Twas boobies killed the beast.

And I will admit, I have squeezed out a little boon gravy to Jessica Lange. She's got that come hither, do me silverback style look, even though she's screaming in horror. Wouldn't you, knowing that Kong wants to plug you with a member the size of a Chevy Caprice.

I'm not going to talk about the election. I am not going to talk about the election. I'm not going to talk about the election. Convinced. Please. Vote. That is all.

I will say this... I watched some of the debate. W came off looking like a ticked off 12 year old girl, clicking her tongue and saying "uhh... whatever...he totally voted to use force too!" the man just doesn't like to be questioned or called out in public. This is why he rarely, if ever hold press conferences. Sorry, Dub, you are the President and are accountable for your actions and your administrations actions in a public forum.

Kerry seems to have slightly more spark than Gore... he sucks less than dub. I wish I could vote. Anybody who wasn't planning to vote want to vote for me? I know. I know. You're still grossed out by the term BoonGravy. Well... fuck ya!

Anyway. More soon. I have missed our little chats. As I'm sure you have.

Lata

:: Eric Peter Schwartz 1:58 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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