:: Monkey with a Laptop ::

:: 1/29/2004 ::

If there is anybody out there who is planning to see The Lion King 1 1/2 - keep me posted. Let me know if Rafiki gets any screen time. He is one of the few positive Baboon film portrayals. And when I say "positive" I mean "FUCK YOU DISNEY!" Here The Dis gets a chance to take a Baboon and really make them shine, make him a wise, sage, Yoda of a character and INSTEAD they make him a prancing, singing maniac with some streak of Shamanly spirituality. He just acts high. Watch the movie and tell me that Riffy isn't eating some funny fungus from behind the barn.

So let me know if anything important goes on in the new Disney "I'm Out of Ideas...Please Help-a-thon".

So 2004 is the year of The Monkey. How better to celebrate that by slapping a cartoon monkey on the ass of some underpants.
Can you blame me for getting excited over this headline: Lunar New Year Makes Monkey Undies Hot. Cripes! The words Monkey, Undies and Hot all in the same sentence!! I thought it was my lucky day. I thought finally I could get some relief. I still have no good porn to deal with. Trying to paddle the boonstick to what you sapes call porn is horrible. First of all, I'm sure there are a few of you who might feel the nether-squirmies by looking at pictures of other species...but it's not easy. So all of my autoerotic behavior is laced with the desire to upchuck...

I do have a newly aquired online friend, Fadedstar, who seems to have a sister who is a zoopimp. I have a feeling she's lying. Plus she wants to hook me up with some hoboon named Crunchy. I really don't want to slip the boonstick into anything "Crunchy". After that I could move on to Leathery and Dusty. And no pictures! I need to see pictures before I make the trek to meet Crunchy is some dingy Zoocage, display my erection, pound my chest and pumpa da monk.

Of course beggars can't be choosers. Fadedstar chould probably send me a room temperature jar of Smuckers apple jelly and I'd get aroused...HEY! 12 seconds in the microwave.

So, Ben and JLo...goodbye. I'm slightly sad. They have been like my touchstone since I left The Facility. No matter where I was or what I was doing, I could always count on them to be in the news. Now what will I do?

Clem is doing well. No one has caught on to me yet.

Talk to you soon.
runko
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 3:02 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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I am one fatass Baboon!!

My stay with Clem is going swimmingly, to say the least. I celebrated my first Christmas of freedom scarfing down left overs from his Christmas dinnerS...ham, potatoes, 7 layer salad, some holliday casserole...plus all the stuff his friends and neighbors brought over. I can't believe the generosity of some sapes. Clem weighs in at about 105 pounds. He won't eat all this. In fact I have been helping myself to more than he's giving me, and there's still tons.

Clem got me a couple of chew toys for Christmas. I have made sure to squeek them every once in a while, just to keep him happy.

I have also been spending a lot of time surfing, and writing, believe it or not. I have been writing some Tarzan fan fiction. I hate that loin cloth wearing some of a bitch, and all of my fan fiction ends with some sort of grisly end for the vine-dangling dick. Needless to say, all of my Fan Fic submissions have been blacked or flamed. People are so fucking touchy about their icons.

Tarzan is one of the loudest and most ridiculous symbols of sapekinds domination of Animalkind. From the gorillas I have met, that infant would have been smacked against the side of a tree like a bag of ice that needs to be broken up. I've heard sape babies. One of the loudest things on the planet. No gorilla would do that. Okay maybe that Binti Jua gorilla in Chicago in 96, but not in the wild. There is a reason that they have never had an ACTUAL gorilla play Tarzan's mom. I have no idea why sapes keep remaking this piece of crap. Cartoons, TV shows, movies. I know why, I guess. Because, now, sapes want to use it as a "protect the rainforests and its creatures" message, which is noble. They apparently don't see the inherent message of the story; White Men may be raised by animals - but he will rise to control them...(by yowling apparently.) It's like Darwin and right wing Christians got together and drew up a plan. PLUS he's got a pet chimp, who is named Cheetah and usually whores himself out for comic relief. The animal equivalent of Step n Fetchit. Is there any reason for me to go on?

So, you sapes finally got something to land on Mars other than your shattered, unrealized dreams. Well done. Visit the official Mars Rover website for more info. I was starting to think you guys were spending to many night smacking it to Striperella to land it. Of course, those strong wrists might have helped control your descent. HAHAHAHA Sorry...that was a cheap joke, but it made my new year.

So I begin my second year of freedom...as a house guest. I have to admit that I am itching to get back on the road. I miss the sights. For now I have only paneling and black leather couches...and lots of free food. I'm going to have to start an exercise regiment. I have, in case you were worried, mastered the toilet. Speaking of which, I haven't flung crap in weeks. Since I have to live here, quietly, I can't go chucking my chunks everywhere. Sigh. Retraint. I miss the days in South Dakota, throwing shit from atop Lincoln.

Talk to you soon.


:: Eric Peter Schwartz 1:34 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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