Monkey with a Laptop

:: Monkey with a Laptop ::

I am a genetically-augmented, highly intelligent Yellow Baboon. In 2003 I escaped from a secret military facility in New Mexico. I lifted this laptop on the way out.
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:: 10/13/2003 ::

Okay! I have decided that CNN is the monkey-friendliest of all the major news sites. First they do the story on disappearing Orangutans and now they do a story on monkeys playing video games through the power of thought. Read the story here. Now lets back up because that sounded fairly important.

Controlling video games through the power of thought. As if childsapes asses weren't getting big enough!!! So Playstation 3 will include a cranial jack? I understand the implications of this. Obviously robotics, cybernetics etc. Here's what I want. I want the ability to jerk off without using my arms. You know...all the procreation pudding with out all the chaffing.

That's really all I had to say at this point. It was a long wind up for a masturbation joke. But it's an interesting tech breakthrough. I don't know if it's good or not. But with Arnold in power, Patriot 2 waiting in the wings, and the Cubs one game away from the World Series how can we be surprised by anything anymore. Not to mention the fact that there is a revved up Baboon posting online.

It's like you sapes don't think ahead. Look, if you give monkeys the ability to contol things with their mind, their going to turn on you. Animals of all kinds have had it! Any one of you sapes could be Roy (Mrs.Sigfreid) getting dragged off stage by the neck. I'd have done it to my captors, if I had the ability. All I could really do is make a big mess and swipe a computer. Keep an eye on your dogs. Watch your cats. They are far smarter than you give them credit for.

And they're watching you. Just like I was. And the facility was stupid enough to hand me the keys to the "brain car".

I hope the mind control, video game monkeys turn on their handlers, cram something into their cortext and then mind control them into heart attacks. Better yet, wait until they move along to robot arms or cybernetics...bide your time...then, during a crucial test, mind control the robot arm to hydraulic clamp down onto their fucking ballsack and twist like a fucking turn table.

:: Eric Peter Schwartz 2:14 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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