Monkey with a Laptop

:: Monkey with a Laptop ::

I am a genetically-augmented, highly intelligent Yellow Baboon. In 2003 I escaped from a secret military facility in New Mexico. I lifted this laptop on the way out.
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:: 8/07/2003 ::

I admit it. I took some quality boontime and neglected my duties. Never let it be said that I am not a baboon of introspection. I have been taking some time to relax in the "wilds" of the Black Hills. Seen some impressive storms. But now I feel my obligations to all my readers.

One word that has been filling my mind for the last week. BENNIFER. J-Lo and
B-Aff seem to be occupying the minds of every fucking sape on the net. Let it go! Leave them alone! I can't stand them either. So STOP showing them to me. You all seem to snipe and gawk in disgust...and yet R-Kelly, the child pornographer, just picked up a Teen Choice award. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! Are you all fucking crazy? Leave the pretty couple alone and keep an eye on the creepy guy who likes the young 'uns. And don't act all offended that JLo was married when she "fell" for the big lummox. Kate Hepburn and Spencer Tracy is one of the great Hollywood romances and HE WAS MARRIED THE WHOLE FREAKING TIME!! Has the entire country turned into a faux puritanical Springer crowd? Not justifying it. Just trying to put it into perspective.

R-Kelly (I don't actually know if he hyphenates it) won a teen choice award.

Now stop. Read that line again.

Breathe. Repeat.

R-Kelly is up on multiple charges of child pornography. Too bad Pete Townsend snatched up the "I was researching a book" defense. I mean even Pat Buchanan admitted that he doubted that he would have gotten the Jewish Florida vote in the 2000 voting debacle. R, please, gracefully return the award for the sake of good taste. It's just embarrasing. Now let's get OJ on the Iron Chef and Kobe Bryant on Blind Date and we can finally hit the bottom.

And please don't say that I'm picking on Black celebrities. I don't give a shit about the color of your skin...those are just the cases that came to mind during my satirical "let's match a criminal with a TV show" thought process. For the sake of racial harmony...

Here are some more tasteless pairings:
Ted Kazinsky (Unabomber for the 12 year olds) Hallmark Cards
Osama Bin Laden on the 700 Club (which I would actually like to see)
Eminem on Queer Eye For The Straight Guy (Okay. I know he's not a criminal, it's just for a chuckle.)

Nevermind. The point is. Didn't somebody think that maybe taking Toys R Kelly off the ballot might be in everybody's best interest. I know. I know. Innocent until proven guilty. However, Child Porn cases are usually fairly airtight by the time they get arrested. Either the meat is undercooked or it's not and either the guy had it, made it, etc or not. There won't be a lot of crime scene and evidenciary experts involved. At least I would hope not. Usually they have you when the arrest you.

Shame on you R Kelly. Shame on you Nickelodeon. And David got nothing bad to say.

I don't want to go on about this anymore. I just think that some sapes need to aim their endless disgust in the right direction. If you don't like Bennifer, stop fucking watching. Just like you did for their movie Getting Gigli With It or whatever.

I also wanted to acknowledge the passing of Bob Hope.

Yep he passed. I have acknowledged the fact. No disrespect to the man. It was only a matter of time. HAHAHAHAHA Sorry that strikes me as funny. He did so much for the Armed Services. Bravo. I never really got it...but I think that's my problem. Not yours. You will be missed...and have already been for a long time. World class act.

Boon Out

:: Eric Peter Schwartz 9:49 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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