:: Monkey with a Laptop ::

:: 8/28/2003 ::

Doesn't it seem like MICRO SOFT and SOBIG are appropriate enemies?

I am on the move again. My recent habit of getting complacent and staying in one place is going to get me into trouble. The Toro finally killed out a few days ago and I am now on foot again...just as it began. I am heading south east across the lower Dakota, month long visit to the Black Hills over.

It's time to get back to the things I do best...run, blog and bitch.

What is nice is that I have a much easier time hiding during the day without the Toro. But FUCK do my feet hurt. And I've put on a gut!!! Too lazy.

I hunkered down for the night near Scotland, SD. It's a little hole in the wall town, but I won't be here for long. I am sort of vaguely following the Missouri river south. I actually realized that fall and winter will be setting in before long and I'm probably not prepared for that.

And HEY!!! Baboons on the tube!!!! Sierra Mist, one of the chemically laced, bubbly beverages you sapes pour down your fucking throats, is running a TV ad that features, of all things...BOONS! Funny boons to be precise. I'm not going to get all purist about the stupidity of the commercial. I'm just glad to see that we're getting our props! You can actually watch it here.

I think the one that sings is my aunt Esther.

But still, VH1 has been running "I Love The 70's" and one of the episodic features is, guess what, a fucking CHIMP!!! The whole segment features a favorite monkey from what ever year they're riffing on and it's "hosted" by some sell out chimp named Bella. It's so hilarious when Bella eats Light Bright pegs and then they "transcribe"what she is saying. Fuck Bella. I'm sure her leathery chimp digits had to stroke some VH1 pole to get that gig. They're all whore to sapes. All of them. I fucking hate chimps.

I only hope that after the taping, they had to slit Bella open to get back the Light Bright pegs that they paid $150 bucks on eBay for. And I hope her "human like" executive jacking hand is now cupped, collecting cigarette butts.

Stupid chimp.

I promise to not get political...but ARNIE!! Apparently, and this is something I heard and have yet to verify, Mr. Scharzenegger was interviewed decades ago in OUI magazine and talked about dabbling in drugs, orgies etc. I AM SHOCKED! Arnold!...oh...wait a minute...this is California. The rest of the country can be as shocked and appauled as they want to be but it won't matter a snatch to the sapes in California. And they're the ones voting.

All eyes are on California and the whole state dances like a spoiled child made to perform for the holiday relatives. Stop looking and they'll stop dancing.

So I am heading out. We'll talk soon. I should hit the state line in a couple of days. From there my adventure leads me...anywhere.
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 11:02 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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Get ready for the New York, Ohio, Canada, Michigan baby boom of 2004!!! While Detroit water pumps shut down, I'm sure there was plenty of pumping going on else where. I can only hope that families actually talked, stories were exchanged, love blossomed and some sape ripped ass in a stifling elevator only to be swiftly rescued. The funniest thing to me were the images of traffic jams on the freeway. Where the fuck are you going?! Do you think by some miracle that TGI Friday's has power and is serving up some tasty Jack Daniels BBQ Ribs?!

I love chaos. Chaos like this, not the crumbling building, terrorist kind. But 50 million without power for a few days is interesting to me. Probably because it didn't affect me. How amazing...you could probably see the stars over New York.
Which brings me to a topic that has been on my mind...light pollution.

People are starting to sue, be cited etc. because of light pollution. Excuse me. If you're so in love with the fucking stars...move out of the city and the suburbs. If you're so hell bent on being close to all the shopping, excitement and whatnot that urban living provides...shut your fucking latte holes and close the goddamn curtains.

"But I have to stay close to work." Then stop complaining. "My life is here." Okay, so is everybody else's...and that creates light! "There's too many people. We're overpopulated." Fuck you! Cities are over populated. You sapes breed like fucking cockroaches and you all seem to want to live in the same place. Come to South Dakota. Visit Nebraska. There's not a cocksucking thing there! So don't complain that the world is overpopulated. Get off your ass, walk out of the Starbuck's , hop a train to nowhere and go the fuck away. Then we'll see how overpopulated your world is.

Light pollution, noise pollution...it all seems to get wrapped up in this "save the environment" argument. The truth is most of the middle class people complaining about this don't care about the environment. They want a nice place to live and good property values so they get a good return on their investment. Not bad things to want. Just call it what it is. Suddenly everybody watches the Travel channel or Discovery and they're an expert on the environment. It doesn't stop them from driving their petroleum sucking SUVs or running their AC all night or buying products like plastic, the production of which produces greenhouse gases. It's just something else to complain about.

I know there are people out there who are legitimately concerned about the world we live in and the quality of life. Kudos to you. A big BoonHug for you people. For too many, though, it is just something to complain about.

Humans started altering the environment when they started building nests in the trees. It has only increased. The answer is not to shut it all down. Get better at it. You are the governors of the planet. Govern. Don't destroy and don't make vain attempts to restore it to its former glory. Work with it. Get what you need. Hell, even get what you want, but find the balance. Be the benevolent rulers of the planet. It's not hard. The planet gives you every opportunity.

Do I know how to do this? fuck no. I'm a monkey with a computer, a fair vocabulary and strong opinions. I just know there is a happy medium between wanton environmental destruction and The Amish. I know you can do it. It could take forever, I know you can. Regardless of my acid, I do have every faith in humans. That's why I post here. I know somebody is listening.

So all those of you who were caught in the blackout, I hope you looked up at the stars, talked with your families, neighbors, friends, and took it for what it was worth. A change of scenery without a scene change. Hopefully you didn't pile into your car, turn on the AC, crank the radio and turn on the lights because you didn't know how to live without the constant noise.

And I hope all you consenting adults fucked your brains out and had a blast doing it.
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 3:49 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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I admit it. I took some quality boontime and neglected my duties. Never let it be said that I am not a baboon of introspection. I have been taking some time to relax in the "wilds" of the Black Hills. Seen some impressive storms. But now I feel my obligations to all my readers.

One word that has been filling my mind for the last week. BENNIFER. J-Lo and
B-Aff seem to be occupying the minds of every fucking sape on the net. Let it go! Leave them alone! I can't stand them either. So STOP showing them to me. You all seem to snipe and gawk in disgust...and yet R-Kelly, the child pornographer, just picked up a Teen Choice award. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! Are you all fucking crazy? Leave the pretty couple alone and keep an eye on the creepy guy who likes the young 'uns. And don't act all offended that JLo was married when she "fell" for the big lummox. Kate Hepburn and Spencer Tracy is one of the great Hollywood romances and HE WAS MARRIED THE WHOLE FREAKING TIME!! Has the entire country turned into a faux puritanical Springer crowd? Not justifying it. Just trying to put it into perspective.

R-Kelly (I don't actually know if he hyphenates it) won a teen choice award.

Now stop. Read that line again.

Breathe. Repeat.

R-Kelly is up on multiple charges of child pornography. Too bad Pete Townsend snatched up the "I was researching a book" defense. I mean even Pat Buchanan admitted that he doubted that he would have gotten the Jewish Florida vote in the 2000 voting debacle. R, please, gracefully return the award for the sake of good taste. It's just embarrasing. Now let's get OJ on the Iron Chef and Kobe Bryant on Blind Date and we can finally hit the bottom.

And please don't say that I'm picking on Black celebrities. I don't give a shit about the color of your skin...those are just the cases that came to mind during my satirical "let's match a criminal with a TV show" thought process. For the sake of racial harmony...

Here are some more tasteless pairings:
Ted Kazinsky (Unabomber for the 12 year olds) Hallmark Cards
Osama Bin Laden on the 700 Club (which I would actually like to see)
Eminem on Queer Eye For The Straight Guy (Okay. I know he's not a criminal, it's just for a chuckle.)

Nevermind. The point is. Didn't somebody think that maybe taking Toys R Kelly off the ballot might be in everybody's best interest. I know. I know. Innocent until proven guilty. However, Child Porn cases are usually fairly airtight by the time they get arrested. Either the meat is undercooked or it's not and either the guy had it, made it, etc or not. There won't be a lot of crime scene and evidenciary experts involved. At least I would hope not. Usually they have you when the arrest you.

Shame on you R Kelly. Shame on you Nickelodeon. And David Spade...eh...I got nothing bad to say.

I don't want to go on about this anymore. I just think that some sapes need to aim their endless disgust in the right direction. If you don't like Bennifer, stop fucking watching. Just like you did for their movie Getting Gigli With It or whatever.

I also wanted to acknowledge the passing of Bob Hope.

Yep he passed. I have acknowledged the fact. No disrespect to the man. It was only a matter of time. HAHAHAHAHA Sorry that strikes me as funny. He did so much for the Armed Services. Bravo. I never really got it...but I think that's my problem. Not yours. You will be missed...and have already been for a long time. World class act.

Boon Out


:: Eric Peter Schwartz 9:49 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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