:: Monkey with a Laptop ::

:: 7/27/2003 ::

Back!

I'm sitting on Lincoln's face. Okay, more his head, I suppose. But it was funnier the other way. As I write this I am perched atop the Lincoln portion of Mount Rushmore, looking over the expanse of the Black Hills at night. This was actually one of the things I have wanted to do since I escaped. Lincoln, the "Great Liberator". He would have understood me. He would have cared. Not many sapes get to look out and see what these three great men and Roosevelt see every night. Stars that never end, and the rolling expanse of the nation that three of them created, fought for and fought to keep. It moves me.

For all the poetry of this evening, I have to admit that I have been trying to hit the visitors center with my own waste a few times. I'm pretty sure Jefferson would have loved that image. Lincoln too. Lincoln, according to some reports, had a sick sense of humor. Here is one story I picked up recently:

At a white house dinner a woman took ill and began vomitting. Abe and some other gentlemen helped the woman to a room adjacent to the dining hall. After a few minutes of retching Abe stepped out of the room and was met by the concerned faces of other guests. Some one asked, "How is she?" To which Abe replied "She's up to the peas." True story, so I'm told. If you don't get it, don't bother. I'm sure there's some William Howard Taft sites out there that you would find amusing.

I understand Washington, Lincoln and Jefferson. But Teddy R? I mean, I know why he's up here. But for godsape...didn't he think about how it would look a hundred years later? Okay, carve the mountain with my blessing, but I have to be up there, Capice? I'm sure that's over simplified but..."one of these things is not like the other..." I mean, really. No one has seen fit to put him on a coin or a bill, right? That was all him. They might as well have blasted a huge dick and balls out of the rock face. One more Black Hills buffalo shot for Mertyl and the kids.

I have also spent some time at the "Crazy Horse monument". For those of you who don't know, this is an ambitious piece of mountain sculpture to honor the great Native American known as Crazy Horse. Not a huge statue to honor Neil Young's band. People have been working on this for decades. They can't get enough money always to keep the project running. It is ambitious; the full head, torso, hair and bust of the horse blasted out of the side of a mountain. After decades and decades of hard work and llove translated into strategic dynamite blasting, the 9 story face was finally completed in 1998. Come on. Leave it at that. We know the intention. We are impressed by the tenacity and the gesture. Call it Crazy Face and move on. You will never get the government to back this project. Shitty though that is. You might as well be blasting Michael Moore into the side of a mountain. But you'd need a pretty big mountain.

And why the desire to deface a mountain with faces anyway. All the Rushmore dudes have monuments in DC don't they. They're on the money. The mountain wasn't pretty enough. The beauty of the land wasn't enough to make you patriotic? It's just sapes wanting to show their dominion over nature. If Rushmore could have been chiseled out with a rock hard cock, it would have been. Instead, long, firm shafts of dynamite were used. Man fucking nature like a drunk whore. Teddy Roosevelt being the "accidental" slip into mother nature's ass.

So I wasn't political.

Any way, I'm here. The first milestone of my journey has been reached. Now I gotta think of where to go from here. Talk to you all soon.
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 12:30 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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Sorry sapebuds. I really haven't had a lot of time to stop and surf the net for a while. The Black Hills are busier than I expected them to be so I have been avoiding run ins of the sape kind.l If I had been using this "augmented" brain a little more I would have realized that the Black Hills is a major tourist spot and it's July. The Toro has been holding up, but the engine is starting to sound ragged. It may be time to retire it soon.

Had a run in with some buffalo a couple of nights ago. If you think that humans would freak at the site of a baboon tooling around on a toro, just imagine what a herd of buffalo would do. Apart from nearly being trampled to death, I couldn't get "One" by U2 out of my head all day.

I've been getting a little political lately with my posts. I'm sorry. The more I am online, the more I realize that politics in all its forms is unavoidable. I am trying to cut back on the news sites and focus more on what really counts, stupid personal homepages and porn.

Gotta run real quick, then I will be able to talk more. just wanted to check in.

LAter
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 2:13 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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It is with a heavy heart that I have decided to leave Cozad. This little town gave me my first buzz, my first hangover and my first Fourth of July fireworks. But it's time to move on. I'm the kind of boon who likes to roam around. Perhaps one day I will return to this cozy little place and open a nightclub. I'll call it PRIME 8 HOUSE. It'll play industrial. Or I'll just comeback and watch the good folks from a distance.

I have decided on my destination: The Black Hills of South Dakota.

I left Cozad on Saturday night and I am making my way leisurely north. I am currently squatting outside of Arnold, NE. I swear, these Nebraskans and their websites. I will be spending the night in the "Devil's Den" area. There's definately more to the topography of Nebraska than I thought. I will be on my way again tomorrow. For now, I have food, gas and a modicum of shelter.

I have decided that if I could be any other creature on the planet, I would be a computer virus. The web keeps expanding and expanding to me. My initial reation to the internet was that it was a great place for information. A way for me to find out about the world I had escaped into. Slowly over the month or so my research surfing has dwindled to less and less and I have started getting a kick out of the web. Or angry is the other thing it makes me. But, you sapes seem to be genetically predisposed to self promote (this of course coming from a blog written by a baboon.) I'm fairly certain it's a good thing. It helps celebrate that you are all unique creatures.

And what unique creatures you are.

Today I found a website about the american dream. To come from a country of poverty like Russia to the land of plenty. It's a thrilling story. It is the story of ILL Mitch, a young white rapper who came from the wastes of Russia to rap, ride skateboards and hit a punching bag. While I laughed until I pushed my lower intestine out my asshole, I probably have more in common with ILL Mitch, than not. Unless of course Mitch's site is a huge sham, at which point I would say bravo. I also know that some of you are probably thinking..."runko's sold out. He used to hate us".

I still hate you. But part of evolution is learning to not attack those things you don't understand. And I don't understand you. The most powerful communication tool in the history of creation and ...never mind. You've heard the rant before.

So I'm heading to the Devil's Den area where I plan to kick back with a little poop-n-toss. I did finally take matters into my own hand and let off some of the steam, if you know what I mean. Dr. Boonstroke made a house call. As I have lamented countless times before, there is no monkey porn. I was left to fantisize about my old pumpbuddy Carmel and may I make a recommendation. When you are "running off copies" avoid sitting in a toro driver seat...they aren't built for it.

Talk to you all soon.
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 4:21 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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DAMN! You amerisapes done blow stuffs up real pretty!!

As one fan so beautifully said it, I got to see the spectacle of 4th of July fireworks with "New Eyes". Sure as shit I did. It scared the crap out of me...but it was so pretty. I did celebrate my independence by throwing my own waste at the colorful explosions. Which is still primitive but better than my ancestors who pee on each other and throw rocks at sunlight...I'd say graduating from that is reason to celebrate.

So does the world have it in for Buddys or what?! Perhaps the highly effective United Nations should look into the American instances of Buddycide. Something's going on. Hackett and Ebsen are gone. It's a sad day for...um...other Buddys. I'll be pissed if the next one is blues legend Buddy Guy. Actually celebsapes seem to be dropping like flies. I wasn't even aware that Strom Thurmon actually legally qualified as alive, but what ever.

I have been reading a lot lately about Transfatty Acids. Apparently these evils exist in processed food that you sapes gobble up and now you will be able to check on the TFA content on your food labels. It all has to do with hydrogen bonding and...I don't really understand but...they're bad. At the same time that TFA are being given a logo and slapped on products, the government is looking into the viability of using hydrogen as a clean fuel source (which really worked well for Das Hindenberg). So, switch on CNN or Fox News soon and you'll start hearing network "consultants" talking about hydrogen like they just fucking discovered it.

And speaking of things that blow up...forged evidence in support of the war in Iraq? Tell me it's not so. Just look at pictures of Rumsfeld after the "shock and awe" started shocking and aweing us. (If you forgot, find it on your Tivo, it wasn't long ago.) The man just can't keep a poker face. He was like baboon throwing shit. Never happier. Not trying to get political, as another species I like to think of myself as "middle of the road". But come on...is this surprising us at all? The media is jumping on this like it's the only altar boy in Boston. They just turned a blind eye because they got in bed...I mean embedded.

I need to get off these soapboxes. However, cut me some slack, this is the government that probed my colon with 1.21 Jigowatts.


:: Eric Peter Schwartz 12:44 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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I couldn't be happier. The other day I was clued into what today represents. Independence Day. This is my holiday. I am free and I feel it more than most of you, probably. I won't get on a rant about Amerisapes taking freedom for granted. That's not what today is about. Today is about living on wonderful land, with other creatures who are, for the most part, 80% decent. But be careful, Sapes. If you love this freedom, don't give up an inch of it. Liberties are being taken with your liberty. They are probably being done with good intentions, not all, but most.

And I'm not talking about joining a militia. I'm not talking about stockpiling guns. I'm talking about my ability to post here and say what I want. Does that mean that ignorant racists have a right to post to the internet and believe that others of their kind are inferior? Unfortunately yes. Does that mean that there is porn on line that any free thinking adult and some bright younger minds might find. Yes. Does that mean that sapes who hang their entire lives on their belief system and the spreading of their chosen word have the right to tell you that you are wrong or evil and do it loudly? Yes. Those are all what liberty is about. You must take the good with the bad.

Too many sapes are willing to give up some freedom for the sake of the safety of their children, personal security and most disturbingly to keep "unwanteds" out of their suburban paradise. The government was created to protect our borders. Not to protect you from yourself. You are the driver of your soul.

But enough of my ranting. As I write this I can smell wonderful things drifting across the fields of Cozad. Sapes are happily grilling, drinking beer, laughing with friends. I have never wanted to be a sape so much in my life. There was a parade a while ago and tonight, apparently, there will be fireworks. I have never seen, but I have heard. I will be enjoying those with the other citizens of Cozad.

I would love to think that I could mosey on downtown today, and be accepted by the merry sapes. Alas, I don't think I can risk it. Maybe on Halloween.

HAHAHAHA - A very special Fourth of July Runko. HAHAHAHAHA
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 12:47 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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Okay, here's my question for the day: Why the hell would sapes pay to dress a concrete goose. Here is one example of what I am talking about: LAWN GOOSE DESIGNS. I have come across this in my search for clothes that might cover my ass. Cement lawn geese. I will say that again so it sinks in: CEMENT LAW GEESE. It's not even art. I am all for art, I have been seeing lots of wonderful sculptures on the web. Like the "Visite Virtuelle" at the Louvre website. That's sculpture! Not this. Cement geese are apparently for trailersapes who have slipped up into another tax bracket and graduated from "Little people's butts bending over in the garden". If it were only that simple. Is money so worthless? Is the time you sapes spend toiling away for huge, greedy corporations not worth two shits? Do you lack so much imagination that the only thing you can find to spend your money on is a cement water fowl to display in your yard and (the best part) CLOTHES FOR IT. And I'm not talking about AN outfit, I'm talking about a wardrobe for the little fucker. And these things are everywhere. Especially in middleclass suburbs where womensapes are constantly in need of outlets for self expression. Apparently Dr. Edgar Lawngoose the famous psychologist convinced them that dressing up statues was self expression. And don't get me started on Precious "The Aryan Ideal" Moments.

Okay, you want a conversation piece? I will personally come to your house, sit in your front yard, fertilize your lawn with my own crap...but you have to dress me. Of course not. Why? Baboons will frighten the children. Great. Now rock birds get more respect than me.
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 10:06 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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