Monkey with a Laptop

:: Monkey with a Laptop ::

I am a genetically-augmented, highly intelligent Yellow Baboon. In 2003 I escaped from a secret military facility in New Mexico. I lifted this laptop on the way out.
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:: 5/17/2004 ::

Whaddup Homeez!

Okay...that's was my one and only attempt at that. Let's get one thing clear...I'm a baboon. Okay. I'm a fucking monkey. It still doesn't excuse me from learning to write correctly. In fact it makes me try harder. I am afraid we are entering a world where writing is dead. Now don't start with the "Language is changes" bullshit. I know that. I understand that. That doesn't mean we have to shoot it, stab it, kick it in the soft danglies and where it like a dead skin screaming "IT PUTS THE LOTION IN THE BASKET!!!".

What is this fucking monkey babbling about? Well I'll tell you. I can't watch TV. The only way I know what the hell is going on is through spoiler sites. And from what I can tell...Frasier went to Paris with Rachel and Chandler, Spike and Niles are all taking on the evil Law Firm of Wolfram & Hart. right? Nevermind...the point is...I rely on the internet for all of my information. Yes I know that's unfortunate...but it is, however, fact. I also rely on the internet for my entertainment. I have recently been hanging out at Fiction Press.

FP is a site that allows writers to post their fiction and poetry to the site. And there is a lot of good stuff there. However... I have to wade through canvas sacks of CRAP to find the really great nuggets. And I'm not talking about personal likes and dislikes. I would be a pretty petty boon to complain about there not being enough of what I LIKE on the web (I'll save my "You're over 30 stop bitching like a 13 year old in your blog" rant for later.). I'm talking about bad writing. I mean BAD WRITING. I'm all for being artistic...this shit is just lazy.

This is an ACTUAL story I pulled off fiction press, from the "Romance" listings. It is used without the author's permission:

" I sighed and picked up my bag. It was now lunch time yippee! I went to the regular spot under the tree where my friends and me always sat. Unfortunately I was the first one there so I took out a book and started to read it. I suddenly felt a pair of hands cover my eyes, "guess who" a voice said. I whacked the hand away from my face turned and said ' really Brandon this is getting old you do this every friggin day! ' But babe I know you love it' UGGH so cocky. ' So how was your day' 'That sounds so Brady-bunch married couple cant you be normal?' 'Oh Kay. wuz up?' ' That's much better.' ' My day was the same as always nuttin new, what about you?' ' well I made the team for Jamaica this year. not that I wasn't expecting it.' I always wondered why I was friends with Brandon better yet why he was friends with me. He was popular uh I was not. He won trophies travelled to swim meets all over the world, was on the t.v and in the newspaper. He was just cool. 'Um Sam you're having one of your Patrick Star moments again' 'Huh, what right.' ' You didn't hear a thing, anyway I gotta bounce see ya later.' And he smiled that infuriating smile of his that made all the girls swoon. I used to be one of those girls when I first met him.. Then I got to know him. Let's just say I'm glad I didn't date him or I'd have gotten a rude wake up call."

The author then gives a passioned plea to R&R (read and review), while talking about how it probably sucks. Now, granted, she's 15. I don't hold that against her (though she should know something about writing structure by sophomore year). Here's where I take issue. The story got reviewed. Only one person took the time to actually point out that each time a character talks, a new paragraph starts. That's a rarity. Usually the reviews are nice and casual. They say nice things or nothing at all, usually with as much bad grammar as the story. (And I won't even talk about the poetry.) Usually it's a shout out from an online fan: "Plllleeeeeezzzzeeee (I love the silent "e") update". If I could leave the children just one message it would be: CAPITALIZE!

Now believe me...I misspell things. I make mistakes. My concern is this; it used to be hard to get published. You used to have to work at getting things read by the masses. You would submit your work and it would get rejected. This would make you work harder, take classes, improve yourself and your writing. I'm not sure that blogging and internet publishing and sites like Fiction Press aren't lowering our standards. Lowering the quality we should be expecting in what we read. And I'm not talking about "classic" lit like Austen or Twain or any of that shit. I'm talking about everything. Even Penthouse Forum is proof read.

Boon out - till next time.

:: Eric Peter Schwartz 11:25 PM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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