Monkey with a Laptop

:: Monkey with a Laptop ::

I am a genetically-augmented, highly intelligent Yellow Baboon. In 2003 I escaped from a secret military facility in New Mexico. I lifted this laptop on the way out.
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:: 9/22/2003 ::

Why oh Wi-Fi!!!

It's not easy to have major electronic repairs to a computer when you're a Baboon on the run in the American heartland. My online hook up with a technician was back in South Dakota. When my wireless connection stopped working I was SOL, on foot and following the Missouri south. Salvation came in Omaha, NE. I spent many nights infiltrating places like Right-Tech, Best Buy and U of N learning how to repair this myself and lifting the materials to do it.

Stealthy. It was like a freaking Die Hard movie. However it was during time in a Best Buy air vent that I discovered that my time in captivity had scarred me more than I thought. I found my self gripped with paralyzing claustrophobia. After so much time in the open, it seems that my dislike of confined spaces had developed into an uncontrollable fear. I did, however press on.

As you can see, my boonacity paid off and I am back online. And given access to the right materials, I can fix it again, if need be.

I know some of you have pondered about how I am able to charge my computer. Let me tell you, people pay very little attention to those litte outside outlets on their houses. They use them maybe half a dozen times a power, there for the taking. Sneak in in the middle of the night and YOINK! Battery charged. If I'm not able to find a house, outside pop and ice machines need power. You'd be surprised how much free power is available.

Just a little tip if you're ever on the run with a stolen laptop. Just remember to hightail it if you blow their power.

So I have spent some time catching up on current affairs. Poor Bennifer. Victims of the modern press. Sad sad sad. Of course the story that's getting swept under the rug is the discovery of the world's oldest genitals (which I thought belonged to 113 year old womansape currently "living"). A set of fossilized spider googlies was discovered recently. Here's the story:

Okay. Look. I understand how exciting this is for sapes in the know...but come on. Is this worthy of press space? Anywhere? Remember folks, it's not the age of your ovipositor, it's what you do with it.

Really not much has changed in the last month or so. We lost Cash and Ritter. I won't comment on either. Both a tragic loss. One quite unexpected.

Oh! Hey! Looks like there are some boons in the new Rock movie THE RUNDOWN! The clip was pretty fast, but it looked like some cousins of my species. SWEET! Perhaps you Amerisapes have finally grown bored with the whorey antics of the Pimpanzees. Assholes. I don't know if I have helped move this forward at all. But I will take credit all the same.

Talk to you REAL soon!
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 10:18 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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