Monkey with a Laptop

:: Monkey with a Laptop ::

I am a genetically-augmented, highly intelligent Yellow Baboon. In 2003 I escaped from a secret military facility in New Mexico. I lifted this laptop on the way out.
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:: 7/27/2003 ::


I'm sitting on Lincoln's face. Okay, more his head, I suppose. But it was funnier the other way. As I write this I am perched atop the Lincoln portion of Mount Rushmore, looking over the expanse of the Black Hills at night. This was actually one of the things I have wanted to do since I escaped. Lincoln, the "Great Liberator". He would have understood me. He would have cared. Not many sapes get to look out and see what these three great men and Roosevelt see every night. Stars that never end, and the rolling expanse of the nation that three of them created, fought for and fought to keep. It moves me.

For all the poetry of this evening, I have to admit that I have been trying to hit the visitors center with my own waste a few times. I'm pretty sure Jefferson would have loved that image. Lincoln too. Lincoln, according to some reports, had a sick sense of humor. Here is one story I picked up recently:

At a white house dinner a woman took ill and began vomitting. Abe and some other gentlemen helped the woman to a room adjacent to the dining hall. After a few minutes of retching Abe stepped out of the room and was met by the concerned faces of other guests. Some one asked, "How is she?" To which Abe replied "She's up to the peas." True story, so I'm told. If you don't get it, don't bother. I'm sure there's some William Howard Taft sites out there that you would find amusing.

I understand Washington, Lincoln and Jefferson. But Teddy R? I mean, I know why he's up here. But for godsape...didn't he think about how it would look a hundred years later? Okay, carve the mountain with my blessing, but I have to be up there, Capice? I'm sure that's over simplified but..."one of these things is not like the other..." I mean, really. No one has seen fit to put him on a coin or a bill, right? That was all him. They might as well have blasted a huge dick and balls out of the rock face. One more Black Hills buffalo shot for Mertyl and the kids.

I have also spent some time at the "Crazy Horse monument". For those of you who don't know, this is an ambitious piece of mountain sculpture to honor the great Native American known as Crazy Horse. Not a huge statue to honor Neil Young's band. People have been working on this for decades. They can't get enough money always to keep the project running. It is ambitious; the full head, torso, hair and bust of the horse blasted out of the side of a mountain. After decades and decades of hard work and llove translated into strategic dynamite blasting, the 9 story face was finally completed in 1998. Come on. Leave it at that. We know the intention. We are impressed by the tenacity and the gesture. Call it Crazy Face and move on. You will never get the government to back this project. Shitty though that is. You might as well be blasting Michael Moore into the side of a mountain. But you'd need a pretty big mountain.

And why the desire to deface a mountain with faces anyway. All the Rushmore dudes have monuments in DC don't they. They're on the money. The mountain wasn't pretty enough. The beauty of the land wasn't enough to make you patriotic? It's just sapes wanting to show their dominion over nature. If Rushmore could have been chiseled out with a rock hard cock, it would have been. Instead, long, firm shafts of dynamite were used. Man fucking nature like a drunk whore. Teddy Roosevelt being the "accidental" slip into mother nature's ass.

So I wasn't political.

Any way, I'm here. The first milestone of my journey has been reached. Now I gotta think of where to go from here. Talk to you all soon.
:: Eric Peter Schwartz 12:30 AM [+] comment on runko's post ::
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